Diary of a College Graduate

Engagement: David + Devin

2012-01-07T23:39:00.001-05:00

David jokes "Well where to I start?" "At the beginning..." I say

And he did. He went through his relationship with Devin like a timeline while she sat in the front seat of the car, fixing her makeup. He went through carpool stories, mutemath concerts, New York city travel guides, and Star Wars brownie points before he got to this point, the engagement. If you go up and ask Devin where her favorite place on earth is, she won't just tell you Disney World, she'll most likely break into song. So much so that her and David have a "going to Disney" song. The morning her life would change, David woke her up with that song, took her to Disney, and under the castle fireworks, he asked Devin to marry him; and she said yes. So now we prepare for their May wedding under a big tree, surrounded by friends. I can't wait for the day where you two get to start your lives together.

When we started the engagement shoot, I automatically knew that this was going to be fun. Mainly because of this picture. She couldn't stop laughing. I think that's important.

And making funny faces...

And sweet moments like these make things so much better

There was this wonderful carousel where we were shooting so naturally we had to pay to ride. And naturally I had to make them try to kiss. While moving. And spinning. So. much. nausea.

There was a Bar Mitzvah happening nearby so we snuck in to take a peak. We found this R and since David's last name is Rodriguez, well, it was only natural that we use it...

Yep, they're a little quirky

But they're also sweet

And maybe just a little bit nerdy

David and Devin, it was wonderful shooting with you! Looking forward to May!

Day Of Coordination: Shadrack + Ludy

2011-12-10T21:28:00.000-05:00

To say that this wedding ran perfectly is an understatement. I think the statement "You could see God's hands all in it" is more appropriate. It was just funny, the way things happen. Things that could have gone bad worked out perfectly. Like my car not starting (more on that later). Or the chuppah being knocked down. Or the threat of rain....it was perfect.

Since the Day-Of Coordinator comes in about a month before the wedding, there can sometime be some anxiety on the part of the day-of because you may be working with vendors who, quite frankly, don't know what they're doing. This wasn't the case with Shadrack and Ludy's wedding. All her vendors were fantastic. To begin with, I had the fabulous Shelley Cameron of Better Half Weddings and Events, Inc. on my side to help me out. Check out her website to pick up one of her wedding planning CD's to give you all the tools you'll need to stay organized on your wedding day!

Ludy went with Beca Companioni as her photographer. Now it's a well known fact that I am VERY particular about photographers and when I found out who her photographer was, I immediately jumped on her site to check her stuff out. I was REALLY impressed. She's professional and provides some really great images!

Ludy and Shadrack opted to do a first look to give them more time for pictures and to have time to enjoy the cocktail hour. Of course, I had to take a couple of sneak shots...

The ceremony and the reception was held at Plantation Preserve. Shannon, the venue coordinator was fantastic and such a sweet woman to work with! The space for the wedding opens up to water overlooking the greens and it's quite beautiful!

Field of Flowers in Davie provided the flowers. Major cool points go to them. About halfway through the set up, the chuppah they were setting up fell down because of the 15+ mile an hour winds. Sandbags needed to be brought in. 20 minutes and a couple of red lights run later, they arrive in enough time to weight down the chuppah and all hands were on deck!

Timing went so smoothly! It was important to Ludy and Shadrack to start on time, no matter who was there! The unexpected windy conditions through us behind only about 10 minutes, which in wedding time is fantastic. The skies also threatened to open up on us throughout the ceremony. This next part is important; now with me being a Haitian wedding noob, I assumed the wedding would take the usual 30-45 minutes. I was quickly corrected by Ludy. Apparently Haitian weddings can take up to 2 hours! Bring your bibles everyone and get ready for a full on service. However I was quickly assured that this wouldn't be the case at HER wedding. 35 minutes was the pastor's limit! And he stuck to it with enough time to get everyone inside for the cocktail hour!

The rest of the evening went off without a hitch! DJ services were provided by Soul Movement Crew. It was important to Ludy and Shadrack that the Lord be glorified through everything and they definitely provided an evening that was right in line with their expectations!

To Ludy and Shadrack: You guys were truly amazing to work with. Thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of one of the most important parts of your lives. May God truly BLESS your marriage. Enjoy the Dominican Republic and all those little umbrella drinks!

Creative Shoot: Carnival Playtime

2011-11-27T23:37:00.000-05:00

Hannah- "I'm coming home for Thanksgiving and I want to do a shoot where two different things come together." Me- Ok sure......all the while not knowing at all what that meant. Then we finally sat down and got to the root of it. Bringing two seemingly different things together. While we both had great ideas with no budget and no connections to make it really spectacular, we settled on this. Bringing together two adults, and putting them in a child-like situation. And it was awkward. And it was fun. And Kyle kept making funny faces while we made him stand with his face to the sun, play with a toy truck, and act like a giant kid. But Shelley and Kyle were such great sports. And they take great pictures. I mean, have you seen their wedding pictures? Please...

And these pictures? Well they're a lot different than my usual style. Or should I say edited much differently than my usual style. But it was fun to play around with different editing techniques, trying to get the pictures to say the story I wanted them to say. Or rather, what the fabulous Hannah Roberts and I wanted them to say. Enjoy!

Engagement:: David + Amber

2011-11-09T22:49:00.000-05:00

When she first met him, she thought he was cute. When he first met her, he thought she was nice. Even as Amber crushed on him full force, he was clueless. Even through thumb wrestling, tickle fights, and hand holding, David was still completely blind to the obvious vibes that Amber was throwing his way. You see, I've known Amber since I was 14; and if there is one thing that Amber is not, it's subtle. She's a full force, says it how it is, quirky kind of person. And David? Well David's.....not. David is laid back, relaxed, and confident in who he is. But throughout their relationship first as friends and then as something more, one thing that David valued most in Amber was that he could be himself. There was no show to put on, no wall to hide behind. It was easy with her.
FInally, when they got together to talk things over, Amber went through months of feelings and reasons why she liked him and David just listened; taking things in and realizing that this woman sitting next to him knew who he really was. He couldn't hide anymore, and the best thing was that he didn't have to hide anymore. It was clear to him. But not as clear to Amber as she found out they were dating through a Facebook relationship change and lots of texts and calls from friends.
So this February they're going to walk down the aisle and say promises to each other which mean eternity. I've been honored to know Amber for almost 10 years and I am so happy to be able to share this experience with her and David. I promised Amber years ago that she deserved someone amazing and that God was preparing him for her. And He did, and David is. Congratulations you guys, I had such a blast taking pictures with you both and I am so happy to be sharing this time with you. :)

It's exhausting

2011-10-12T16:21:00.000-04:00

Doing anything the right way can be exhausting. Purely. Exhausting. Budgeting, eating right, being a christian. All of it. Probably because it requires all you. Requires you to sacrifice yourself to gain something more, which is not something that the flesh wants to do.

Let's look at budgeting......let's be honest here, it sucks. Straight up. Being honest with yourself and your terrible habits and then cutting those habits in half? Takes sacrifice. Being careful with EVERY cent and knowing where all your money is going? Ridiculous, yet necessary and beneficial. I've only been at this for 2 weeks and I'm already tired.

Eating right? I don't think I have to look at that very closely. This is denying your flesh and the "need" for unhealthy foods and replacing it with things you wouldn't choose directly.

Being a christian. If anyone ever told you that being a christian is easy, they are lying to your face. Because it's not. What does it require of you? Everything. It requires you to sacrifice everything and run in the opposite direction of what the world tells you to be like. Cutting loose the sins that bog you down and keep you from righteousness hurts. In some cases, it leaves a scar. For me, it requires me to get up very early to spend some time with Jesus. And no one wants to do that. It also requires me to be a leader, an example, and a mentor, which as the title of this blog suggests, is exhausting. But I can't complain because when I look at the scars on the hands of Jesus, the fight with my flesh looks silly. My "sacrifices" are fleshly, my Jesus' meant eternal redemption through His blood.

So I can get through this. Being an adult, doing things the right way, walking in His faithfulness. Though exhausting at times...worth it. Totally. Worth. It.

The Dilemma...

2011-10-06T08:00:00.000-04:00

The Dilemma: I have goals and ambitions to start my own wedding planning business. It's going to be great because I know I'm going to be great at it. But you see, to do that, you need experience in order to get hired. And I wouldn't say planning 2 receptions and 1 wedding is enough for that.
There are two ways to get experience, and the first if preferred. The first would be to work/intern for someone who plans wedding and glean as much as you can from them. This would be ideal because this is the kind of environment I thrive in and learn the most from. Hands on. Shove a book in front of my face and it doesn't stick. Same problem I had in college.
The second way would be to get a wedding planning certificate from an accredited school. Again, not my first choice because while you can read and be taught so much from a classroom, there are so many things you pick up on during on the job training that you could never learn in a classroom, even from the best teacher.

So herein lies the problem: I don't have anyone with which I could work/intern for in order to learn everything I would like to. I can't afford a volunteer position because while I do still live at home to save money, I do in fact need to...save money. No job, no saving money, no work....and you get the picture. The choice of getting certified could be my other option but hey, these things cost money. $560 at Broward College (and I always promised myself I would never go back) or I could pay $1,300 elsewhere...

FANTASTIC....

So I'm a little stuck. How do you get a job with no experience since no one will hire you because you don't have experience but you can't get experience without said job?

**ORGANS FOR SALE!! MAYBE A KIDNEY?? I HAVE 2!!.......**

Sandi, Samantha, & Dave

2011-10-02T00:37:00.001-04:00

Have you considered what it means to listen to people? Not hear them. Listen and comprehend. Do you realize the impact that can have. And no, not just to the person talking, but to the person who is doing the listening. In this case, me.

Tonight I listened to the stories of Sandi, Samantha, and Dave tonight. And I can honestly say it was one of the best evenings I've had in a while. Rather than being concerned with myself, which is what is generally on my mind, I put my ego aside and listened to someone who just wanted to talk.

I learned that Sandi is struggling with finding a church which doesn't look to her past as a homosexual as a weakness in who she is.
I learned that Samantha has read every Jane Austen book and is completely confident in saying that Emma is the best book she wrote.
And I learned that Dave comes to Barnes and Noble every Saturday night to read a chapter of the bible because it's the only chance he has away from his Atheist wife who won't allow bibles in the house. He's in Romans, I believe.

I got to pray with Sandi, talk Bennet with Samantha, and encourage Dave. My pumpkin spice latte got cold, but that's what I get for paying $4.25 for a hyped-up cup of coffee. I walked away humbled. And with a better understanding of people, knowing that everyone has a story to tell if you'll just listen...

September 9th-15th

2011-09-15T23:53:00.001-04:00

I realize that these are a bit late. I'm a terrible blogger.....really I am. I seem to lack some inspiration. Anyway, here are the photos for the last 6 days. What I'm realizing as this month goes on is that a.) I live a terribly boring life and b.) it's a lot harder to take pictures of new things than I thought.

September 9th: Braids

September 10th: I grew something on my face...

September 11th: Friendly brunch. That right there is bacon and ketchup wrapped in a flour tortilla. A Pasquale specialty...

September 12th: Clearly he understands what days off are supposed to look like

September 13th: A sunset glow

September 14th: If I could hashtag this picture, it would be #tanlines

September 15th: The very BEST part of a loaf of bread...

September 6th, 7th, & 8th Pictures

2011-09-09T23:41:00.000-04:00

September 6th:
He likes to look at me from the base of my bed with these crazy eyes. It probably has something to do with the state of my hair so early in the morning...

September 7th:
Church time. Small groups. Calvary Boca. These kids are awesome and teach me more about being a follower of Christ than anyone...

September 8th:
We had a small photo shoot at the shop. Of course the owner's granddaughter was there all done up and pretty. One day she'll be in one of those dresses...

September 5th: Labor Day

2011-09-05T22:33:00.000-04:00

Memorial Day and Labor Day. One of them marks the beginning of the summer, the other marks the end. Labor day marks the end. I love it. Those who have gone back to school however, they may have another opinion. I love it because with the end of summer comes the beginning of fall and two of my favorite seasons.

This morning as I went fishing at dawn, I smelled the air as it blew and I told my mom that the cool weather is coming. I can sense it, it's on it's way. I'm excited for scarves and boots and red noses. I'm excited to drink more tea and to have an excuse to buy obnoxiously colored fuzzy socks. A time that in Florida, marks excitement and almost always inspires me.

And as I've written long enough, here is my September 5th picture. She's a little bit crazy and completely opposite of my personality but I love her all the same. Almost 10 years I've known this girl and every time she makes this face, it brings me back to 14...

September 4th

2011-09-04T16:09:00.000-04:00

Today's picture. A girl picking out her wedding gown. There's something special about that.

September 3 Picture

2011-09-03T18:26:00.000-04:00

Just one. A self Portrait.

September Picture Explosion...

2011-09-03T00:57:00.000-04:00

My camera has been collecting dust. It's quite pathetic really. And it upsets me; and then i get upset with myself for letting my camera collect dust; and well, you can probably figure out where that goes.

So I've challenged myself. Not that I've ever really fulfilled a challenge I've given to myself, but this one might just stick. For the next month, I will be taking my camera with me everywhere I go. Everywhere. Even if I don't want to. And all I have to do it take 1 picture a day. Just one. And post it on this blog. Now....let's me honest here, this is me we're talking about. I won't be posting every day. Hopefully, at least once a week, in which I will compile each day's pictures and comment about them.

They'll probably be completely lame because I don't get inspired often. They may be a few self-portraits. And they will almost always be completely ridiculous because that's a little bit of who I am.

So let's see how this goes. Just my camera, my 35mm lens, and my less-than-professional skill...

So to kick it off, here is today's:

These are the best things on earth. No exaggeration. If you like almonds, and some spice, go to publix and buy these right now.

To those last years

2011-08-19T16:34:00.000-04:00

Ok college seniors, this ones for you.

This may seem like an ill-placed time to be talking about graduation tips and token "reach for the stars" mementos that people give you, but really this is the perfect place. At the beginning of the end.

You ever see something in your future and completely dread it? Like going to the dentist? Or realizing your favorite pair of jeans are getting a hole in a really bad place and you'll need to get new ones soon? Those kinds of things. That was sort of what graduating college was for me. 2 years ago around this time, I entered into my last year of college. And I was terrified. What the heck, no more school?! Nothing else really mattered. I was sure that in a few short months (because we know it all flies by), my life would be completely different. And I didn't like it....at. all.

You should probably know a few things about me (if you happen to randomly stumble across my blog NOT as a result of a facebook post). I don't do the best with change. I'm getting better. Really. Change scares me a lot. The big kind. The kind that you just kinda jump into without really knowing how it's going to work out. Yea, that one.

So graduating college had THAT written all over it. Especially since my major didn't exactly scream "i'm going to be super successful!" and most people just tilted their head and nodded when I told them what my major was. There were several google searches done that looked something like "what to do with a humanities major" and "jobs that don't need degrees in that field".

As the months flew by and g-day approached, I think I just kept dreading the time when my security blanket would be ripped out from under me. Suddenly I couldn't tell myself that the reason I didn't hang out with friends is that school is so overwhelming. It couldn't be the thing I turned to as my excuse for being broke, for being unsure of the future, and for not having a clue. I put this insane pressure on myself to have it together, because you know that when all your parent's friends ask you what you're doing with you're life, you have to tell them your 5 year plan that is all mapped out. It was a little ridiculous, I can assure you.

And then I gained some much needed perspective. In my panic, I forgot about my entire life. And Ms. Hibbs. My senior American Government and Economics teacher. When I was in her class, despite what we were talking about, she would have stories of life experiences in a wide range of occupations. I remember thinking to myself, "When I'm 65, I want to have stories." I don't want to tell my grandkids, "well, I was a teacher for 45 years." I want to tell them about all my different jobs, the people I met, and the lives that impacted me through those varieties of experiences.

That being said, I have one thing to say to you college seniors entering into your last year. "It's going to be ok." Profound, I know (sarcasm intended). Honestly, it will be ok. The stressing, the tears, the worry, all the "i don't knows" will become a part of the past. Who cares whether you have your life planned out when graduate or not? What does it matter? What we need to realize and keep in perspective is that we have our ENTIRE LIVES ahead of us. Don't map out your life like a schedule and then be fearful when everything does not come together perfectly.

I speak to myself also when I say this: Let it be ok. Don't be afraid of the future. Trust that the Lord has you in the palm of His hand. Know that everything will work out.

Good job boy

2011-08-19T00:40:00.000-04:00

I still can't look at a picture of him without crying. 16 years. My dad said something I don't think I'll ever forget. He told him "you did a good job at raising them. thanks." He did. Thanks scooter. RIP

Just for you

2011-07-19T21:43:00.000-04:00

It's been a long day. One of those days where things keep piling up. People are yelling at you and you have no clue why. Things are being misplaced. You're being pulled in lots of different directions. To the point where your brain starts hurting. You want to tell people to grow up, stop acting like a baby, and put on their big girl pants. Just one of those days...

And at the end of it, I get in my car and sigh. And then I look up....
And God quite literally says to me, "Here my love, I made this for you"

...and I rested

When sparks fly

2011-06-30T18:46:00.000-04:00

You know that lazy rainy day when all you want to do is stretch out on your bed like a cat and enjoy the sounds? When you start thinking about your future, what you think you'll be doing a year from now. Then Sparks by Coldplay happens to come on at the perfect time. And for whatever reason, all the anxiety you were feeling seems to melt away and things seem a little more simple. Not so complicated, so detailed, so exhausting. It's like God takes a special interest in what makes you happy for that minute or so. A thank you is needed. And then it's all ok again...

To family groups 62 and 64:

2011-06-27T00:33:00.000-04:00

I have never been so encouraged by summer camp as I have this past one. You guys taught me so much. You taught me how the grace of God works. You taught me how prayer works. I wrote down your expectations and hopes for being at camp and prayed over them. Nightly. And God showed up in big ways. It's amazing to me how God uses nobodies to affect others. Just like with Daniel. Throughout the entire week, I was so blessed by how you guys opened up and allowed God to work in your life. Letting Him soften your hearts and break down the walls. He brought you to that mountain top with Him. But just as Andrew said, Jesus doesn't live in Deland, Florida. He's here. With you. During those hard times when you feel like no one understands. No one knows you. No one loves you. He's there. The feelings you felt during camp and how close you felt to God during that time CAN continue. The question is, are you able? Are you able to be devoted? How big is your God?

Thank you for letting Tim and I be your small group leaders. Continue to rest in Him, seek Him, know Him, be devoted to Him. "Hold fast the pattern of sound words which you have heard from me, in faith and love which are in Christ Jesus. That good thing which was committed to you, keep by the Holy Spirit who dwells in us." 2 Timothy 1: 13-14

Dear Photography

2011-05-25T23:43:00.000-04:00

Dear Photography

I wanted to take this opportunity to express to me how much you stress me out. No, really, you do. The fact that when I participate in what you have to offer, I'm then considered an "artist" is probably the scariest of all. Me? An artist? I mean really, let's be honest here, I'm no artist. Yet people continue to call me that.
Although you stress me out, I've always had that kind of connection with you. Remember that afternoon in June? Yes you do. The one where me, Melissa, mom, dad, and scooter went out back for some fun? I was wearing the worse possible outfit combination possible. A camo-print shirt and sunflower shorts? Clearly dad must have dressed me, he was always putting his daughters in camo. I think we spent 5 hours in the backyard. I got bit by mosquitos and Melissa stepped in dog poop; and you were able to produce the most beautiful representation of mom. Good job there. We ended up in the neighbors pool, jumping in picture included.

So you and I have history. After I got my first DSLR, we got to know each other a little more. A LOT more. Suddenly you kept throwing stuff at me. ISO....Aperture....Shutter Speed. New vocabulary. I've never been fantastic with dictionary definitions. It's been all about the result.

It's been 5 years since I started learning. 5 years. And I still feel like I don't know what the heck I'm doing. See how much you stress me out? I guess that's the thing about me and you. You scare me and yet I'm determined to get better. Not professionally though. Never professionally. But as an amateur, yes. You'll always have a place in my life. You'll always push me to be better, even when it scares me.

Then sings my soul.

2011-05-24T07:26:00.000-04:00

Then sings my soul, my savior God to thee. How great thou art.

So simple. How simple is it sometimes? You know, "God, my soul sings out to you because of How great you really are." But we, as humans, over-complicate it. With extra words. Unnecessary verbage. Useless banter.

Can we bring it back to the love of God? To the unfailing, uncomplicated, overflowing love He gives. The kind of love you only find in Him because we are incapable of loving like He does. To the point of death, on a cross, just for us.

It's ridiculous really. To comprehend His love for us. Without the law, without payment, without anything but us.

Oh my God. Thank you.

I AM.

2011-05-08T02:48:00.000-04:00

A tribute to my mom. The most spectacular woman I'll ever know.

I AM strong because my mom is strong

I AM brave because my mom is brave

I AM beautiful because my mom is beautiful

I AM in love with Jesus because my mom is in love with Jesus

I AM a friend because my mom is a friend

I AM a lover because my mom loves

I AM independent because my mom is independent

I AM a cook because my mom is a cook

I AM real because my mom is real

I AM compassionate because my mom is compassionate

I AM a dog lover because my mom is a dog lover

I AM a romantic because my mom is a romantic

I AM my mother.

My Blog: it's an excuse

2011-04-23T17:47:00.000-04:00

Really I'm just using this as an excuse to post some pictures.....even though they're of one subject...

My mind went there....

2011-04-21T23:59:00.000-04:00

I saw a bouquet today that made me cry.

I.cried.over.flowers.

Photo Cred: Jose Villa

Then I cried over the rest of the tablescape and my mind immediately took me there, to the minute where I would feel every emotion inside me if I walked into that room. Or even just took that kind of picture. Or was even photographed by that photographer.

Jose Villa

My mind went there and I cried.

It's because of Netflix

2011-04-21T00:02:00.000-04:00

Because it's on Netflix, I've picked up watching No Reservations. Although I've watched that show numerous times on the travel channel, it's not exactly the kinda show I watch religiously, nor frequently. But for the sake of boredom and needing something to watch as I get ready in the morning, it suffices.

He was in Paris. Now, if you know anything about Anthony Bourdain, you know he's "no holds bar". He says what he thinks and could care less who doesn't like it. Sort of a Dwight Schrute meets James Bond....Ok. Bad example. Let's leave those to the clever people...

Anyway, the French get a bad rep ::insert terrible, poorly timed joke, here::

His whole idea behind this show was to show "Why France doesn't Suck". Also, to prevent seeing Paris the tourist way. Throw away the guidebook, as it were.

While I won't go into details on the entire episode, he did make a few points that have sat with me all day. He mentioned the things France does right. Food, Art & Wine. His major point was that if you look at the way the French do food, it's about the food. It's not rushed. They're not trying to come up with new ways to flavor a risotto that no body has seen before (though I'm sure those antics happen). In the heart of Paris, it's about the food. The raw flavor of it. It's about the people you share it with, or the time you spend with it. There are no health codes, there are no etiquette. The places don't get shut down because someone touches some food. The meat is sliced, salt and peppered, wood oven cooked, and served on the same tray it's cooked in. It's simple. It's about the food.

At the end of the show, he was sitting at an outside cafe and looked around and noticed that people there do it right. They make it about an afternoon. To sit and have a cup of coffee and a ham sandwich. But really HAVE a ham sandwich. They have their newspapers. They're books. Or they're quizzical, people watching eyes. They spend time enjoying the food and enjoying time spent by themselves or with their closest friends.

It got me thinking....when was the last time I did that? When was the last time I found a small park or local cafe (i'm not talking Barnes and Noble or Starbucks, Tony would disdain at that) and sat and ATE a ham sandwich. And read the paper....and not the paper on my ipod. I mean, really took an afternoon to enjoy those simple things.

Those are things I used to love to do. And it's the simplicity that I'm trying to bring my life back to. Starting with that...

Fashion Industry + Amy= a good laugh

2011-04-14T22:40:00.001-04:00

Working in "fashion" can be terrible. Terrible for people like me. The one who would rather NOT put on a dress all day and worry about voice inflections. The one who's biggest choice of the day would rather be "which one of my pairs of jeans smell the least?" The one who is married to her books, music, and the occasional episode of Glee.

With the new plunge into the "fashion" (bridal fashions, that is), I think I spend most of my time trying not to look like a complete fool. I mean, have you ever heard me on the phone? How about trying to count the number of times I speak too fast for my brain? It gets a little excessive. Or going down the stairs at work? Instead of the normal person who is thinking 2 thoughts ahead of where they're at, I however am counting each step, wanting it to be over, and hoping that I don't fall down the remaining ones (in my mere 1 inch heels); all the while trying to hold a conversation with whatever customer I have following behind me (and let's not get started on my fear that the person behind me fall down, thus making me fall down).

Making sure I don't say the trigger word for a bride which makes her go crazy. Or worse....her mother. It's true what they say you know, the legends about moms and their daughters during the wedding planning phase. If you have to ask about the legends, you're too naive to know...

And now, 2 months later, I'm running out of makeup, I've worn enough black to last me lifetime, and I'm getting sores on my feet from the heels I now wear. Where is the justice? Where is my fishing pole? Why can't I be 10 again? How many times do I have to say something stupid for me to learn my lesson?

But in these times, I remember: "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Cor 12:9

Finding my love....again

2011-04-06T15:23:00.000-04:00

It's necessary to be surrounded by the things you love. No, not necessary. Imperative. And when things change, when your life goes through a huge overhaul, sometimes those things you love fall through the cracks. In my life? I like to say that they disappear entirely. Because I'm so focused on these new things, the old things that I love fall to the wayside.

I have my routine with work. I have my pace. Now's my chance to bring back the things that I love. Working out, reading, weddings. Those things that bring about my character and who I am. I don't want to ever lose those.

I've already brought back a few things. Getting up at 6 am. Reading the bible in the morning. Working Out. Now that I have those, I have more things on my list. Blogging. Reading the blogs I follow. Researching my business venture. Falling more in love with weddings. TAKING PICTURES!! That's the one I miss the most. My first love.

For that I thank Him

2011-03-14T11:27:00.000-04:00

Sometimes people really make me cry. People's situations I guess I should say. Maybe it's because one of my strengths is empathy. Or maybe it's because I've asked God to help me love others like He loves them. Whatever the reason, I hurt for them.

The whole inspiration for this post is my ride to work. Straight down 441 to Broward Blvd. I see so much. I went to make a turn onto Broward and as I waited, I saw a homeless guy standing in the median. He had a small cardboard sign. I couldn't read it, but I could read his face. It was riddled with shame. He held his sign half-heartedly. It seemed like he wanted to disappear.

At the same time, on another corner, there was a woman. She was sleeping on the corner of the intersection. That wasn't the first time I had seen her. I started to cry. And I heard the Lord tell me "This is just a piece of how much I love them, and you." And that was it.

I think sometimes He does that for me. Allows me to feel even a fraction of how much He loves people, so that I can love people. It keeps me in perspective. Helps me when I really don't feel like loving anyone.

For that, and many things, I thank Him.

When new things come

2011-02-26T00:46:00.000-05:00

It's been about 2 weeks. Tomorrow will be my second Saturday. I finally have 2 brides on the books for tomorrow that I am really excited about. It's kinda crazy that I do this for a living. Play dress up with big pretty white dresses. It's like having my own personal barbie doll.

The hardest thing about starting a new job is not learning all ins and outs, which will come naturally with time, but it's the people. If you don't know how to work with people, I recommend becoming self employed and work from home as some sort of computer programmer or something. Because that might be the only place where you won't interact much with people. And I'm not even talking about customers. I'm talking colleagues. The other employees. Learning to work well with other people is really an art form. One that I'm trying to perfect. This time has been a little bit of a rocky start, but once I asked Jesus to break down my pride and to see some of these people how He sees them, it's gotten easier. Mind you I'm still human. I mess up. But He helps me.

It's new challenge. A way to grow. Stretch. Become like Christ.
"I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some" 1 Corinthians 9:22b

Fear of...being known?

2011-02-16T00:47:00.000-05:00

You know what one of the top 5 things I fear about starting a new job is? Letting people into my world. Especially when I meet a group of people who have no connection to who I am. What I'm about. What I represent. It's dumb, I know, and probably a lot more selfish. But it's true and it's there. I'm just wondering how I'll feel after that first friend request. I think it goes back to that high school fear of letting others too close. Must. close. doors. What kind of level are these ladies going to know me on?

The thing about this industry. Weddings. It's not as much about selling what you do or the right gown for them, it's more about selling you. "Your goal is to make them fall in love with you and the store and the dress will come second." Great. You pretty much have to be instant best friends. I mean, you go from not knowing them, to seeing them scantily clad ::blush:: we'll see how this goes...

Book snatcher

2011-02-14T09:10:00.002-05:00

I'm having a hard time with this whole book swap scenario. I recently joined a book swapping site. The whole premise is that you list your book preferences, past reads, and genres you enjoy. Someone sends you a book and in return, you send them one of yours. It's brilliant really, considering that most people make little notes as to the good points and why it was so special to them. But that's the point, you see. I'm attached to every book that I read. They're special because I've read them.

I've read somewhere that people sometimes give away their clothes because they can't stand the memory they had in them and want to give them to someone else to make a new memory. I'm the opposite. There is a memory attached to every book that I've read. How I was feeling at the time, what events occurred, how it changed my outlook on life. Everything. And I want to cherish those feelings even if it's painful. I want to keep them. Because in the end, it's what you have left with people. When you sift through all the garbage of some relationships or the beauty of others, what you have left are the memories. And for me, it's attached to my books...

Chalk

2011-02-05T22:47:00.001-05:00

Happy Music

2011-02-01T22:53:00.001-05:00

Things get stressful. I get too self-absorbed. I get selfish. I say something I wish I could take back. When this happens, I take a break. In my room. On my hammock. Somewhere. I put on my happy music playlist. Hit shuffle. The Swell Season.

Then maybe I take something out that makes me smile. Like these guys. And figure out ways to incorporate them into a wedding.

Then I open a book. At the moment? It's Pride and Prejudice....again.

And so I let the voice of Glen Hansard bring me somewhere else. I ask God to fix this wretched heart of mine. And I imagine the gardens of Pemberley...

Craftily-retarded

2011-01-29T01:25:00.001-05:00

I told her to put the sale on hold while I went to get another color of thread. Anticipating this, I took my time, found the color, lingered briefly at the scrap fabric section and did a little ::sigh:: and then went back to the register. Behind 4 people in line, I quickly realize that this woman did not put my sale on hold. Rather, she waited. For me. And my lingering. Of course now embarassed, I quickly apologize and make sure it was verballized loudly that I thought she was going to put the sale on hold. She just scowled at me. I think her name was Marie. Marie didn't like me much after this point. I sheepeshly walked out of the store with my shoulders hunched but with a little skip in my step because 1, it was cold outside and I was wearing my favorite scarf. But 2, I finally got the supplies for the craft I wanted to do and was determined to not let the sun go down without completing it.

Ok, so I'm slightly craftily-retarded. I have visions of grandeur, of being able to sew, and of having this natural inclination to do something once and do it awesome....ly. Hence my eagerness to get started on these super cute felt boutonnierres (that's the second time today I've had to look up how to spell that word) that are the first page of my new book. But, as most visions do, it crashed. I wasn't born into one of those families where everyone is gorgeous and all they have to do is look at a sport, craft, or musical ability and suddenly they can not only do it, but do it real well. Yea....not me. But hey, what is a not-so-crafty college graduate with less than 20 hours of work a week supposed to do with all her extra time? I sure don't know, but I figured I'd attack something that I am generally less than successful at.

5 hours later, I have 1 lopsided, POORLY sewn felt boutonniere, in which the only thing I was happy about was that I finally let my mom teach something about sewing. I learned a whip stitch (ps, I added "learned a whip stitch" to my list of awesome things I can do...it's currently number 3 behind "can make mayonnaise").

And so this is the final product...

And since I was too embarassed as to how it turned out to pin it on my dad for a picture, I pinned it to myself and attempted to take a successful picture of it.

So this is what I'm doing with my time....crafting...the one thing I swore I would never do.

Have a great weekend!!

It's that kind of day...

2011-01-28T00:15:00.000-05:00

It's just kinda been one of those days.

You wake up to that picture and your heart races for a second when you think that that condensation on your window may very well be ice, but then are quickly reminded that you live in south florida and at 8 o clock in the morning, no window will be covered in ice. But you know it's still cold outside, which means the likelihood of getting out of bed before it warms up is, haha, highly unlikely.

It's the kind of day where you may have had plans to do things. Be productive. Be creative. Plans mean nothing on days like these. In fact, the only productive thing you may have gotten done on days like these is you finished that book that's been lingering on your bedside table for quite a while. You know which one I'm talking about...

It's the kind of day that at the end of it, even your cat scowls at you for doing nothing......and he's a cat.

New Projects...

2011-01-27T08:25:00.000-05:00

The above? It's happening today...

And if I can find enough cute colorful cupcake liners.....this too...

And....something is happening to this wall....i'm not gunna share yet in case it's a complete disaster... : /

5 Senses

2011-01-25T08:43:00.000-05:00

This is what I hear: kids laughing while horseback riding
This is what I see: 4 homeless people on the 4 corners of an intersection
This is what I feel: the crisp pages of an unread book
This is that I taste: my first go at tandoori chicken
This is what I smell: my mother's perfume down the hall hours after she left the house

Letting go is hard to do

2011-01-21T23:14:00.000-05:00

How do you watch someone you love walk in the complete opposite direction from what God desires and do nothing about it because you can't? Because they won't listen to you. Talk to you. Hear from you. It's feels like you're standing there, screaming at the top of your lungs at your best friend who's blindly walking towards a cliff and they don't hear you. You just want to run up to them, shake them, and tell them "This is NOT what God wants for your life, you are worth so much more than this!" But they've closed their ears; their eyes; their minds; their hearts. And there's nothing you can do....but pray. Pray for God to reveal Himself to them. Pray for them to fall to their knees before Him.

Trust Jesus.

Kenneth Copeland and other things

2011-01-20T08:17:00.000-05:00

You've been waking up later than me. Only by 5 minutes, so I don't put it past you. I just smile. Tea is your drink of choice because you're on this Daniel Fast and let's face it, coffee without cream is a little bit unbearable for you.

I've noticed you have this process. Get up, make tea, take care of the animals, kiss your husband goodbye, get out your bible. When I come out of my room to wash my coffee cup because I can't finish the whole thing and I hate those rings that appear on the side after you've left the old stuff in there too long, you've got your bible open and the tv on. Kenneth Copeland is there, talking with Gloria. I roll my eyes a little bit, even though it's been a year. You love them each morning. It's your thing. Although I'm not a name it and claim it kind of a person, I appreciate what they do, even if I can't stand to listen to it for more than about a minute. But you like it, and it gives you joy, which makes me happy.

Every.morning. You and your God time.....and Kenneth Copeland. I don't think I could have a mother better suited for me.

Those times

2011-01-18T08:03:00.000-05:00

There's nothing quite like those quiet times in the morning. Before work. Before traffic. Before tempers. The quiet time to spend with God.

When it become unbearable

2011-01-16T17:52:00.001-05:00

It took me 2 rounds of The Swell Season, Ascend the Hill's "Hymns" album, a go at the Once soundtrack and maybe a Justin Beiber song that snuck in there somehow (i'm not gunna lie about it), but I finally cleaned my room. It gets to the point where I can't stand to live in it anymore, and much to the satisfaction of my mother, I attack it with gazelle like intensity. Not the speed though, because let's face it, when have I ever been quick at getting things done?

Cats:: What it really means to work for affection

2011-01-16T12:59:00.001-05:00

He really makes you work for it. My cat. It's never very easy, but when it happens, you know you've won, if only for a moment. Most of the time, I just annoy him to the point that he turns his back on me. **side note, the colors in this picture were a complete mistake but I sorta like how it turned out**

Though sometimes, he might tolerate me enough to let me take a picture of him.

In the end, he's my best friend :)

Happy Sunday!!

Boston: You have my heart, even though we've never met

2011-01-13T14:49:00.003-05:00

Clearly, I am living in the wrong city. Stolen from my friend's Tumblr account Ghanda-Ghanda, there is everything I love in these two pictures, including the bay windows, the obvious nook that has to exists in one of those apartments, and the red ivy on a brick wall. And black shutters. And terra cotta. And lampposts. And iron balconies. And fire escapes. I think it's time to visit Boston...

It's how I::

2011-01-10T10:58:00.001-05:00

It's how I spend my morning: reading

It's what I wake up to: inspiration

It's how I live my life: complete chaos

It's how I love my Jesus: completely

Kate Leaderstorf + John Gaunt

2011-01-08T08:47:00.000-05:00

I don't really know them. I don't know John at all and I only remember Kate from when she went to CCA. The thing about volunteering with the wedding ministry is that you have the opportunity to step into the lives of two special people right at the point where their two lives become one. You don't have any previous expectations or callous judgements to tarnish your view. You just see them. And it's beautiful.

Little miracles would probably be what I would use to describe their wedding day. Rehearsal went great, everything seemed ironed out. And then the wedding comes and it's like "wait, I thought we practiced this?" To list a few? Musicians who didn't know they were playing, so improvisation occured. Mad props to Dan Lupo for being so flexible. A slideshow that came very close to not being played because the wedding team didn't realize that "it takes two to make a thing go right."

But the little miracles are what matters most. According to maid of honor Marla, that's what the whole wedding had been filled with. For instance, not only going into JC Penney and getting $80 shoes for $20, but also to come and find out that the only sizes they had left happened to be the exact sizes of the 4 bridesmaids. Or the little "ring bearer" who was taking a ride in wagon up the aisle was crying like crazy until those doors opened up and suddenly he was hushed. Or the dvd slideshow that we wanted played at the ceremony, only to come and find out that not only did we need to book a sound guy, but also a video guy. Upstairs and down stairs. A phone call to Jack the head video guy and few training moments later, Jake Butler pulled it out and was able to run the slideshow. In the nick of time. Or the dancer who was not only full of nerves, but also very congested and coughing every few minutes. Scared that she would go into a coughing fit onstage, we prayed and the Lord was faithful.

It's just those little miracles that you see in the simplest of things that lets you know that God not only is always there, but He works things out in a way that make you chuckle. He knows what will make you laugh.

And so this post is getting way too long. Today another wedding and rehearsal, and then tomorrow another wedding. Busy weekend. I'm gunna go ahead go and fist bump with Pastor Bob at a sweet wedding.

My thing

2011-01-06T10:21:00.002-05:00

I found it! I did! I'm very happy. Alright, so those of you who follow some blogs know that each successful blogger has a thing that they do every so often that is personally them. Whether it's Jessica Claire who does "Things I love" or Jasmine Star who does "Kisses + Disses", they all have them. Well, I think I found my thing..... "5 senses". Alright, it seemed a little more climactic in my head, but we'll work on the delivery. In essence, it's about my 5 senses and what I have observed using them over the past week. I'd like to say I'm a pretty observant person; I notice things, people, smells, and tastes (sometimes too indulgently). That being said, I think I'll put them to good use. So I'll start it on this blog, and then when I get all professional with my own wedding planning business, I'll transition it over to my wedding blog. It'll be epic, I know it will.

This week in: The 5 Senses (as design elements come into play, this will be more fun, bear with me)

Sight: I saw a homeless man rolling up his sleeping bag after spending the night on a bench near the beach
Hearing: The sound of my ugly alarm going off at 6 am
Touch: A cashmere sweater. It was the first time I'd ever touched one
Taste: This time it was a simple dinner prepared by a woman who has more strength and is more solid in her faith then any woman I've seen in a long time. ::thanks Becky Gardner::
Smell: A pizza stone getting broken in in the oven. Moldy eggs and old play dough is all I'm going to leave you with.

Sunrise this morning

Christmas in Tallahassee...

2010-12-21T23:19:00.000-05:00

I'm going up to Tallahassee tomorrow. Going to visit the aunt, cousins, and grandma. I'm excited about spending Christmas in cold but not mind numbingly cold weather. I'm excited to wear my scarves all day.

And this year, I have a plan. There are two large stacks of books lying next to my bed and I entirely plan on bringing them along and making a big dent in those books. I also plan on being outside way more. I am going to finally put my bucket list on one sheet of paper (at the moment it's broken into various sheets and a few word documents). I'm going to brainstorm names for my wedding planning business (input is appreciated). I'm going to (if I can get internet access) pour over jasmine star's old blog posts about starting her wedding photography business because I would like to model my business very much after hers. I'm going to work on my friend's wedding. I'm going to shoot my bow. I'm going to relax. And I'm going to enjoy Christmas.

It makes my heart hurt...

2010-12-09T01:34:00.000-05:00

It makes my heart hurt when I watch kids go off to college and forget about who God truly is. It makes my heart hurt when I see good friends find redemption in Him only to fall away from God again because their faith was not made real. It makes my heart hurt to think that it's possible that I won't see some of my family in heaven. It makes my heart hurt when I watch close friends make poor decisions. It makes my hurt hurt to watch the insensitivity people have toward other people, and to know that often times I do the same thing. It makes my heart hurt to think about how much God's heart must hurt when I don't love Him like I should; when He watches people push Him away because they think He's not enough for them; when they deny what happened on the cross. It makes my heart hurt to know that every time I sin, I'm pushing Christ farther from me; to know that I'm telling Him that something is more important to me than what He did for me at Calvary.

Personal:: Childhood Memories

2010-11-24T00:45:00.000-05:00

I hate tulle. Anyone who's ever talked to me about wedding dresses can attest to it. And I remember when that hatred started. I was 5 and my mom bought me my first poofy dress, complete with tulle underneath a flowery skirt. I was less than thrilled to wear it to church that Sunday. It was terrible. The tulle underneath the dress itched like crazy and I couldn't sit still to save my life. I think it ripped a hole in my white stockings too. A couple of bickering fights and a pair of scissors later, my dress was no longer poofy and I was a happy 5 year old. Thus started my hate for dresses with tulle.

One of those days

2010-11-17T16:06:00.005-05:00

It's just been one of those days. The kind where you don't change out of your pajamas, your hair looks like something out of a Frankenstein movie, and somehow the idea of responsibility and productivity elope from your mind. Bobby pins are my best friends on days like this. The basket of folded laundry on my bed won't put itself away, I'm littered with piles of recipes that I'm sorting, and somehow 24 hours after I clean my room, it's messy again.

I've got a stack of books sitting next to my bed and coffee cups of various sizes sitting on shelves. My bible and journal remain open from this morning, and I can't seem to make myself throw away the wilting roses sitting on my shelf.

Sometimes days like these are alright.

Day 4

2010-11-10T08:31:00.000-05:00

Time Awake: 6:30 (I don't think I even heard the alarm until it was ringing at 6:15)

Tasks Accomplished: Prayer. Time spent with Jesus. Finished Crazy Love. Was inspired to love people. Went over small group curriculum for today. Prayed for my small group girls.

Likes: Getting up early is getting easier. That moment when I first wake up and am able to see the majesty of Christ through the beautiful sunrise as I thank Him for the day. The reading I'm able to get done. Not having excuses for my lack of time.

Dislikes: Still being tired. The fact that it takes me 45 minutes to be coherent; I have a feeling that it'll get easier.

Day 2

2010-11-08T09:34:00.001-05:00

Time Awake: 6:15 am

Tasks Accomplished: Jesus time. Flipped through a magazine. Read another 2 chapters in Crazy Love. Watched an episode of The Office. Successfully made a cup of coffee

Likes: Knowing that I got those things done that are important to me in the beginning of the day so that by the time I'm usually waking up, I can do those things that I normally would push to the next day

Dislikes: I'm dead tired. It took me 45 minutes to be coherent enough to check my email. When the weather outside does not promote my goal of waking up early: like today.

Side note: I'm pretty sure I need a new copy of My Utmost For His Highest.

Day 1

2010-11-07T07:48:00.003-05:00

Time Awake: 6:10

Tasks Accomplished: Walked & fed dog and cats. Unsuccessfully made coffee. Laundry. Spent time with God. Read about Calvinism & Arminianism. Read 2 chapters in Crazy Love. Listened to entire Jesus Culture album.

Likes: More time to read and spend time with God. Feel good about myself and my day. Able to spend time in prayer for others (something severely lacking in my life).

Dislikes: How cold it is that early in the morning.

Goal for this week: Finish Crazy Love

Personal:: Life Adjustments

2010-11-06T22:11:00.000-04:00

As always, there are adjustments that should be made in my life. You know, re-prioritize my life, get things in order, grow up; that sort of thing. My first goal? (because this time I'm actually going to complete a goal in my life): Get up early. If I ever want to get in shape, be a productive person, teach myself crafts, and have a more personal walk with God, I need a few more hours of "doing time." And this time shouldn't be at night when any time I make a sound, I fear for the sounds of one of my parents getting out of bed to tell me to be quiet. This being said, I'm making it public. I'm gunna blog about it. Because, well, I've never been much of a blogger. Journalist? Diary-writer? None of that. Never described me. But alas, in this venture of doing things that I have previously said I would never be good at, I'm gunna blog about this goal. I'm not saying every day, because let's face it, this is me we're talking about here. I'm starting tomorrow morning. 6 am.....this hurts just thinking about it.

Favorites: 6 years of middle school camp

2010-11-04T10:01:00.000-04:00

Alright, I went sentimental. I looked back at all my pictures from middle school summer camp. And I missed it. Joking with my dad last night over funny experiences in our life made me realize how many moments at camp I love. Even though the timing is a bit off, after 6 years (maybe 7?), I want to share my favorite things/moments about camp. Call me crazy, call me a dork, I don't care :)

1. Shopping for rec supplies
2. Chaos in the office
3. Packing the truck
4. The drive up there
5. Coming over that hill, seeing the sign, and being amazed that they got me to do this again...
6. My rec leaders
7. The golf carts and the many good conversations that happen on them
8. Putting my rec leaders through seemingly meaningless tasks under lack of sleep to judge their character :)
9. Waking up each morning knowing I get to have fun with kids
10. Sitting in the background and watching relationships be developed
11. Finding random things behind the stage
12. Unnerved by the fact that Camp Geneva never throws anything away
13. (This past year only) Having all the family ministry pastors and families there for just a few days
14. Late night sonic runs and graveyard raids
15. (This past year only) Talking to Sean Rose about college life (and listening to Garfield give him the secrets of Liberty and dorm room etiquette)
16. Rec team homemade videos
17. Coordinating super hero costumes
18. The worship team
19. Watching family groups walk to devotions
20. Laughing at the awkwardness of middle schoolers
21. Watching family groups go anywhere and seeing 2 tall people surrounded by a gaggle of little people. Reminds me of 2 parent ducks walking with their babies.
22. Watching middle schoolers interact with each other in a safe environment while also being bathed in the word by strong adult and student leaders and want them to grow in their personal relationship with Christ.
23. Middle school boys covered head to toe in red paint
24. Not being able to believe my eyes when I see Natalie on stage with a green wig and glasses being a complete goof with the kids.
25. Bringing together complete strangers for my rec team and watching them come to love each other over the course of a week, not letting social norms dictate how they treat each other but rather letting love dictate how they treat each other
26. Probably my favorite thing about camp is seeing time after time, God's amazing power to show up and be that strength when I know that I and the rest of the camp leadership, are weak.

How He Loves Us...

2010-10-26T23:38:00.000-04:00

I feel guilty a lot. When I don't live my entire life for Him, I feel guilt. The guilt comes when I try to come to Him with it. It's like I expect for Him to say to me "You know what Amy, I hear the same thing every time you come to me with your sin. The same thing, and yet no change. I'm sorry but I just don't love you as much because you refuse to give everything to Me." Like He's mad at me. It's this distorted view of God that Satan uses to get under my sin, to make me not come before God with everything because I'm afraid of what He'll think. I don't think I could be any farther from the truth...

I was browsing some videos on youtube when things came to David Crowder. I clicked on How He Loves Us because it's one of my favorite videos of theirs. The song started playing and I started weeping. Weeping because God allowed me to see just how much He loves me in that instant. I can't think of the Father's love without crying, because sometimes I don't feel worthy of that love. When I was listening to the song, it's like Jesus wrapped His arms around me and whispered in my heart that what I am is all He wants and is all He loves and nothing I will ever do will separate me from His love. It's like Pastor Chet spoke of last week, Jesus Christ wants to set us free. He knows we're going to mess up, and He loves us anyway. It's beautiful. The power of Christ in my life is beautiful, and sometimes I just need to be reminded that Jesus loves me.

David Crowder "How He Loves"

Favorite Lyrics this week

2010-10-24T01:32:00.002-04:00

My favorite lyrics this week come from Mumford & Sons song "Roll Away Your Stone":

"It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But you say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart"

Personal:: Never the life of the party :)

2010-10-24T01:10:00.000-04:00

It's hard for me to make friends. Sure is. And I understand that, I do; and I have made attempts to break out of that when the rare chance comes along that I'm able to. I guess...You see, this is where my major malfunction is. When I meet someone new (boy or girl), I attempt to get to know them as the evening goes on, but it's usually unsuccessful. I never really think that I'm ever going to hang out with that person again, usually because they are so socially connected to a group of people that I'm not socially connected with. I'm never the party planner, the one who organizes things because I don't have that core group of people who I hang out with all the time. I used to, but not as of late. I dabble around. I know (or at least have met before) a large amount of people, all connected in different social circles, but none of them merge. So I'm in limbo. I'm not the person that first comes to mind when someone thinks, "hey, let's get a group of people together and do _____." Because I'm so socially disconnected.

I'm not complaining. And am definitely not throwing a pity party nor do I want anyone feeling that way towards me. I hate that and I did plenty of that in high school. No more. I guess the purpose of this post is that I finally realized that I guard myself against new people because I fully expect for them to hang out with me in a group setting a few times and then leave, only to respond with a possible side smile when passed in the hallway. It has happened (and continues to happen) numerous times in my life and so I have tried to build a wall up against that sting that I get. I hate those moments, no one feels good in the end (unless they're a complete tool, in which case I could care less). It's those people that I've hung out with before and have exchanged words with before that cause the wall to build. It's like when I meet someone who's personality I get along with and who will take the time to get to know me, (again, i'm not talking about guys, i'm talking about people in general) I don't believe that that person actually likes me for me. I act like that person is only being polite and doesn't want to be rude at a party, so they talk to me. I don't know why I think that, but I do. So when I do maintain a friendship with someone beyond that time we met, I'm always thinking in the back of my mind that this person is going to stop being polite eventually. It's a pathetic way of thinking, I know...

Oh, and yes, I'm fully aware that this goes both ways, and I'm absolutely positive that on more than one occasion I have acted like a complete tool to someone in that way, causing them to pull away. And I'm also fully aware that you can't be friends with everyone you meet and that it's ok. I also know, and most importantly so, that all that really matters is my heart because man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart.

So it's ok. I'm ok. I can't put up a wall just because I didn't get invited to something or wasn't on someone's mind. Shoot, if I did that, I would have a castle around me. I'm content where I am and I know that once people get to know me, I think I'm cool to hang out with. And by cool, I mean a complete dork who never knows the right thing to say...

Robert Frost:: The Road Not Taken

2010-10-12T22:31:00.000-04:00

Wishy-washy-the word to describe my career goals. I do want to be a wedding planner. I do, no doubt about it. But I am wishy-washy about the path I will take to get there. Scared is probably a more appropriate adjective. As far as I'm aware, there are 2 paths to be taken. Get a job at a place and work my way up to the title of "self-employed" or just muster up some strength and take the plunge. The first has been slightly less successful, as said in a previous post, you gotta "know somebody" to break into the field. This leaves me with the second choice, which is daunting, to say the least. Start my own business.

Do I go the Robert Frost way and embark on the road not taken? Do I have the guts to take a step and possibly fail? Not sure...

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Advice: From one stranger to a mother

2010-10-03T23:52:00.006-04:00

            Have you ever thought, when viewing a situation that is precarious, that "Well....there just seems to be a better way of going about it..."? I went to Walmart, looking to buy shampoo and to also stop by the "beauty" section because I was out of concealer. Naturally, Walmart didn't have my Almay brand. Fact: Walmart has everything, except what you really need. Anyway, since I had to find a substitute concealer, I was perusing the shelves and also noticed a mother and her obviously insecure 14 year old high school freshman daughter (I assume this because of A) her need to buy NYC brand eye liner and B) her attempt to try to look as cool as possible while shopping with her mom in the makeup section of Walmart) arguing over the right color eye liner.
              Anyway, as I'm looking through the makeup, the mom approaches me and says "Hey, let me ask you a question." (I knew at this point that this would not turn out well for me or for the daughter). She proceeds to ask me for my opinion on whether her daughter, based on her facial features, skin tone, and hair color, should be wearing "Dark Brown" or "Brown-Black" eye liner. For the record, as far as NYC eye liner is concerned, there's not a HUGE difference between the two. As this mother is talking to me, I look over to the poor girl and her body language is saying "Mom! Shut up!" as she tries as hard as she can to become invisible. She had put her hoodie up, her shoulders were slouched, she was standing slightly bow legged, and she had pursed her lips (kinda like what I do when I'm watching someone do something embarrassing). I felt bad for her, really. Not only is her mom (which, to the 14 year old girl, doesn't know a thing) asking strangers about makeup choices for her, but she is also asking this stranger to take a look at her face, analyze it, and give her mother her opinion. I mean, come on mom! Now, I'm a logical person, and I understand the mom's side. As an adult woman, you naturally want your friends and even the occasional same-sex stranger to tell you what looks good on you. This is perfectly acceptable. But to this girl? This is the worst thing in the world!
            A message to mothers of young teenage daughters. Don't ask a stranger for makeup advice for your daughter while she's standing there. Most girls that age are trying as hard as they can to blend in and "be cool" and this makes them completely vulnerable. There will come a time when you and your daughter are looking at makeup in Sephora and you both strike up a conversation with the lady next to you about your argument over which shade of nectar lip gloss looks best on your daughter; and your daughter will be ok with it. And probably join in on the conversation. But just not yet....
           In the end, I attempted to make the girl feel as comfortable as possible by referencing how gorgeous her eyes were and that she could wear whatever makeup she wanted and still look beautiful. I also gave her a look that not all mothers catch that said, "Don't worry, I understand how embarrassing this is." I got a slight smile from her as her mother thanked me and they walked away.

And for the record, I had to go to Target for my concealer...

What am I doing?

2010-09-28T01:27:00.000-04:00

God, what am I doing? Probably something I've uttered more times this year than I ever have before. But really, what am I doing? It's like I want to say to myself, "Alright God, I've tried bargaining with you. I read Your Word more and do the christian thing better, and You tell me where I am right now and what I'm doing with my life. Right Now." I can just imagine God up there chuckling, because you know that His children make him laugh. But not in a condecending way, but in a "I love you and know what's best for you" way. And when I get to that point, like tonight, He whispers that to me. He tells me to trust Him. To trust in His word that tells me that He has a hope and a future for me and He will never leave me. Never leave me alone.

But God, do you know the kind of pressure I"m under? Do you understand that my dad is so frustrated with me? Heh, as if He didn't know. He had the ultimate pressure put on His shoulders as He carried that cross up the hill. Knowing. Knowing full well what was coming, and yet He did. Because He loves me, and He knows what's best for me.

Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days,
Jesus I’ll patiently wait

Wedding Bliss

2010-09-21T23:00:00.001-04:00

I just have to share some recent wedding stuff that I love. I'm in love with this BEAUTIFUL Monique Lhullier gown. It's got the lace, and the full skirt and the dropped waist. It's really odd that I would like this because in general, I really hate pick-ups in a skirt. You know, where it makes it look like a down comforter? But depending on the fabric and how it's placed, it can look perfect.

You also have to check out this divine wedding that was shot by Jessica Claire. It's perfect. Literally, I love just about everything. Her dress, another Monique Lhullier gown, was divine and the reception space? Those black and white chairs at the Biltmore just screamed elegance to me. Aside from the cabbage? bouquets that the girls carried, I love this wedding. Jessica Claire is also fantastic so I think she just documented the wedding perfectly, with so many moments that just made me ::sigh::

Holly and Joe's Wedding

Nepotism in the workplace: Job hunting in 2010

2010-09-19T01:03:00.003-04:00

Do you know how incredible awkward it is to make cold calls? "Blah Blah Blah company, this is Sue, how many I help you?" "Hello, my name is _____ and I'm calling to find out about any job openings within your company." "Sorry, we're not hiring." "So....there's no chance at all?" ".....Do you have a relative within the company?" "Uh, no, but I once..." "Then no...sorry."

My parents are beginning to wonder why I don't have a job yet. My dad can't seem to understand why I don't just take another part time job until I find the job I want. And I can't understand why he would want me to take a job that I don't plan on having long term, have them train me, and then leave. That makes less sense to me...

The wedding industry in incredibly nepotistic. You only get hired if you "know a guy." Like the mafia.

Would it be incredibly arrogant to start my own business? People keep suggesting it and while the thought keeps running through my mind more and more, I can't shake this feeling that starting my own business with just a little bit of experience and absolutely zero business sense seems forward and arrogant. Is my perception wrong?

Food. Fun: A week of pictures

2010-09-13T11:10:00.000-04:00


i adore him

farmhouse soup ingredients

rice krispie treat:: i forgot the butter

all things good

::sigh::

burnt orzo

::love::

mushrooms

stellar lighting in my house

my kitchen when i'm done with it

most massive woman wins

limo ride

greek yogurt with berries ::love::

kisses

love these girls

worship

six78

thanks for looking :)

50 questions about me

2010-09-09T00:38:00.000-04:00

I occasionally enjoy doing these things :)

1. Do you like blue cheese? Will I get it on a salad? No. Will I eat it with chicken wings? Yes

2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No, that's pretty gross

3.Do you own a gun? Yes – several

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I'm a straight up Strawberry Limeade girl

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Yes. I hate the doctors

6. Do you like hot-dogs? Only if they have lots of stuff on them :)

7. Favorite Christmas Song? Oh gosh, I don't think I have a favorite. Definitely "have yourself a merry little christmas" and "the christmas song"

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Nothing in particular. Just water

9. Can you do push-ups? I can do girl push ups. Classic push ups....not so much

10. What’s your favorite meal? Pretty much anything my mom cooks. I'm not picky. Soul food is real good

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My grandma's ring and my purity ring

12. Favorite hobby? Photography and cooking

13. Do you work with people who idolize you? That would be a no.

14. Name a trait that you hate about yourself? Why focus on the negative?

15. Middle name? Lynne

16. Name 3 thoughts at this moment: Wow, my room has stayed clean for a week. "Fix You" is an amazing song. I hope I can sell all my books.

17. Name 3 things you bought yesterday: I didn't spend any money yesterday. No wait, I bought a bottle of water

18. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Water, milk, tea

19. Current worry right now? Hoping for a full time job

20. Current hate right now? lotion. it drives me nuts but is necessary if i don't want to dry out my skin.

21. Favorite place to be? On a horse ranch at sunset

22. How did you bring in New Years? With friends at an 80's party

23. Favorite place to go? anywhere where there's horses

24. What is your most recurring dream? meeting a certain friend at the supermarket.

25. Introvert or extrovert? I'm an introvert with certain extrovert qualities

26. What color shirt are you wearing? Green

27. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I've never slept on satin sheets

28. Can you whistle? No :(

29. Favorite color(s)? I hate this question. I don't have one or many. I like pretty much everything

30. Would you be a pirate? I'd rather be a ninja but yes, i would

31. What songs do you sing in the shower? I sing along with whatever is on my ipod at the moment

32. Favorite girl’s name? April

33. Favorite boy’s name? Andrew

34. Who is your loudest friend? Amber Rabolli :) love you!

35. What’s in your pocket right now? 3 bobby pins and $1.50 in quarters

36. Last thing that made you laugh? The story about the homeless man that peed on Pastor Billy's front seat

37. Bed sheets as a child? blue checkers

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I tore a ligament in my ankle last year. That hurt pretty bad

39. Do you love where you live? No. I want to live in the mountains

40. How many TV’s are in your house? 2

41. What is your worst habit? i forget to do things a lot (personal things, not work things)

42. How many dogs do you have? 1 dog, 1 cat

43. Does someone have a crush on you? I don't think so

44. Do you own slippers? I do. Do I wear them? No

45. What is your favorite book? Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

46. What is your favorite candy? sour gummy worms

47. What is your favorite sports team? I don't have one

8. What song do you want played at your funeral? Something coldplay

49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Reading

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? What time is it? and Crap, do I have to work today? No? Awesome

Recent Google Searches

2010-09-07T12:00:00.000-04:00

a list of all my most recent google searches. one for every letter in the alphabet:

adobe lightroon
Buick replacement car key
quinoa
xbox live
substitute for fontina cheese
rachel ashwell
learn photoshop
pastafarianism
modern vintage wedding dress
yogurtland
charistmatic christians
dalit freedom network
fine cooking magazine
Once
greyson chance
i feel like i just ate a hot pocket
eli roth
wedding planner jobs
how to unzip a file in mac
korean mafia
using iphoto with facebook
vintage wedding
Nikon 35mm /f 1.8
jesus culture
the swell season
zen circle

Awkward Moments

2010-09-06T01:28:00.002-04:00

Things that are awkward in life:

When you're walking past a tennis court and the ball lands right at your feet and you have to throw it over the fence so that people playing can use it again. I'm always afraid I'm gunna suck at throwing and not make it over the fence. The same goes for having to throw back a frisbee when it's landed at your feet
Trying to take someone's photograph when they clearly don't know what to do in front of a camera
Photo shoots in general
When you accidently walk in on someone going to the bathroom
When you walk into a dressing room expecting it to be empty because the door was open
Men in the bra section of a department store
The next time you see someone after they've gotten married
The last time you see that same person before they drive away after the reception
The moment after a first kiss
::stolen from Ashley Sellers:: That time in a movie theater right after the movie ends.
Getting underwear from your parents at Christmas
Meeting new people
The first day of classes in college
Running on the beach
Bathing suits
Hearing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" when you're shopping with your mom, dad, or boyfriend
Figuring out what to get your new boyfriend for either his birthday or Christmas
Skype
The shuffle option on iPod's at a party when you forgot that you downloaded that Miley Cyrus song as a gag for your friend
Seeing someone who's your friend on facebook whom you've never actually spoken to in person. Do you say hi, my name is _____ or do you treat it like you guys have already been friends?
Not being introduced to someone in a group and then you see them next week at the mall and you wonder whether you should acknowledge their existence or just get out your phone
Those good looking hispanic men who try to sell you perfume or touch your hands at the mall kiosks
Being shown around a house
Not knowing how to shut off your own car alarm
Trying to get to your car in public when it's raining and you don't have an umbrella. Do you run or do you play it cool like, it's ok that I'm getting wet, cuz I don't care about those things!
That first 30 minutes of a road trip with people you don't know that well
When you're a natural hugger and you meet someone and by the end of the night, you don't know whether to hug that person goodbye or not because you don't want to seem like a creep
First Dates

And this is all I can think of for now. Feel free to comment with more of your own awkward moments.

I'm a food snob

2010-09-02T00:28:00.001-04:00

I named him Alex. Well, he's not really mine, but he visits me pretty often and I felt that he deserved a name besides "hey friend." He's black with grey swirls all over his body. He's also missing a chunk out of the tip of his ear which I have decided is a battle scar he got from a war with the neighborhood junkie. Alex is a cat. He's a stray. He never stops talking......ever. We have a bond. He comes to say hi to me, makes Oreo my cat upset, cries on my front porch after I leave, then decided to meander around to another house. It's his life.

I also paid $14 for a salad tonight....yea, i'm not proud about that. Eating healthy is expensive. It was already $9 which is pricey for a mediocre salad, but then I needed to get the $5 chicken because, well, I hadn't had my protein for the day yet.....too much. I'm a food snob. I'll admit it. I won't eat certain things if they aren't home made and I pick apart each dish I eat. Like banana pudding trifle. Yea, I won't eat it if the banana pudding in it is not home made. The boxed stuff is just not the same!! Sorry...
Of course, I usually don't ever vocalize my findings if they're on the negative side, but I will about this one. The dressing had too much pepper in it. And they gave me the chicken on a side plate. Yea, for $14 they didn't slice it up.... I know, I know, I'm being a total snob right now. It's not like me, but when it comes to food, I am. I blame my mom. She's worse than I am, believe me. Things that I will eat because, hey, i'm a broke college graduate, she won't even think about eating. Like boxed macaroni and cheese. Or jarred spaghetti sauce. She can't stand jarred spaghetti sauce. Sometimes I make dishes with jarred spaghetti sauce just to make her eat it. :)

God. Life. Weddings

2010-08-31T22:13:00.002-04:00

Oswald Chambers.....you kick my butt when I need it. Seriously. Today's reading...so good. It was about joy. God's joy. Some notable quotes, ones that make you stop feeling sorry for yourself and get you to start living for Him.

"The first thing that will hinder this joy is the captious irritation of thinking out circumstances. The cares of this world, said Jesus, will choke God's word." "Stop being self-conscious, stop being a sanctified prig, and live the life hid with Christ. The life that is rightly related to God is as natural as breathing wherever it goes."

Oh Oswald...thank you for reminding me of how much I need Jesus.

In other news, I went running again tonight. It was ridiculous. My legs hurt so much. But....I did run longer than last night without stopping, so that's progress.

In wedding news, I have something pretty to share with you all. Flowers go straight to my heart. Really. I don't ever want to arrange them into these delectable designs, but I do enjoy looking at them and wouldn't mind receiving some :)

This bouqet is gorge...

Aaaaannnndd.....blue glass is divine

Oh, and this skirt. I'm pretty sure this bride is totally rockin it. The confidence that women have when they know they're man loves them is precious...

Being eclectic, being me

2010-08-29T01:02:00.000-04:00

I'm an eclectic person. I don't like consistency because consistency is boring to me. Sean Dougherty told me my iTunes library was awesome. When I asked him why, he said because it's so different; that there is such a variety of music. I guess that's true. And as I thought about it further, I realized that nothing about me is black or white. While this makes decision making considerably more difficult, I think it provides for more of an opportunity to see things from a different light. I mean, if someone were to put my ipod on shuffle and leave it alone for a while, one would hear many different things. You could go from Michael Jackson, to Norah Jones, to Green Day in a span of 10 minutes. It's always different; like me.

You know those personality tests you always took when you were in middle school? The ones that you would put on your livejournal (yea, that's right, I had a livejournal). It seems like every one of those tests always had something like "Are you a happy person?" or "What's your favorite color?" I could never answer those questions truthfully because things always changed. I dunno, I'm a generally happy person, but there are those days. And as for the favorite color question, well that's just dumb because there are so many wonderful colors out there, how can you pick just one? That's how I look at life. How can I be in a career that does the same things every day when there are so many wonderful opportunities where you can learn something new from people you've never met before? This is why I'm not cut out for retail. God bless those who are in retail full time, because they have a special calling on their life. To me, retail is the same thing every day, and if I had to do the same thing every day for the rest of my life, I probably wouldn't have a soul in all honesty. It's one of the reasons I've picked wedding planning. Aside from it being wonderful, it's also never the same. No two weddings are the same, no two people, no two mother's of the brides. Every one is different and every one has the ability to teach you something if you're just willing to watch for it. Each day, God has something different to teach me; but if I close my ears to what He has to say, and just keep doing my thing, then how can I know Him? "Be still and know that I am God." One of my favorite verses. Be still and listen, watch, hear. Listen for the chance to learn something new; use every opportunity you have to hear others, hear their stories, and learn from them.

Worship Team

2010-08-24T08:44:00.000-04:00

I wrote this Sunday evening. It's taken me this long to try and get pictures uploaded to it...

I'm sitting in my bed at the end of a sunday, and still I feel the same way towards them as I have for the past 3 years. Sundays are the longest day of the week. When I'm about to go to bed, it seems odd to think that hours ago I was at church. Every week, same thought. My knee hurts a lot, not really sure why. Not too long ago, it was hurtin real bad randomly and i'm not sure I've ever fully recovered. Good day today, good day. I got an email from Kacey, asking me to take some worship team pictures. This seemed odd to me, seeing as Kacey is an amazing photographer, but none the less, I absolutely said yes because it's always a good thing to take pictures of good looking people (especially when they're playing instruments). I find out later from her that these pictures are needed by Pastor Clay. Apparently he wanted some new pictures to decorate the office with. Great....no pressure at all....needless to say, I almost wish that Kacey was the one taking all the pictures, so that I won't feel like a dummy if he doesn't like them. Sorry Kace. :/ Here are a few that I like.

Flirting?

2010-08-10T21:31:00.000-04:00

What is this social activity called flirting? It's been so stinkin long since I have partaken in such a gesture, that I'm not even sure what to do anymore. I used to flirt in high school. Apparently I thought it was harmless. That was before I knew what it really did to a man. Oh how naive I was when I was in high school. I didn't care what was going on in the guy's mind; all I cared about was that it was fun, harmless, no big deal.
Well, I'm not in high school anymore. I'm not even in college anymore (by the way, that still freaks me out). But now that I'm at the age where it is OK to flirt a little bit or show my interest to a guy, I don't even know what to do. *sigh Been so long since I've been interested in someone, it's just bleh....
Be content.....Be content.....Be content....

Observational talk

2010-08-09T11:55:00.000-04:00

I love watching people save face. Fancy term I learned in sociology. Like when you're walking down the road, or more importantly, when you're walking down the breezeway of FAU and you realize that you're walking in the complete opposite direction of where you need to go. No one really stops and completely turns around and starts walking. No, we have to check our watch, maybe some piece of paper we have in our hand, or perhaps fake a phone call, just so that the people around us that are watching know that we aren't crazy and don't just stop walking and turn around for no reason. Try it some time....it's awkward.
I hate having the remote in a room full of people watching tv. It's that pressure of, how do I please everyone? I think that's when the channel goes to discovery channel or TLC. Because there you can find entertainment that is neutral. A good episode of dirty jobs is a place to start. I don't want to put on a show that I love, but then have that pressure of wondering if others like it too, and will they understand why this show is so awesome?
Learning cursive is completely pointless. Also Algebra 2
I have a hard time figuring out the line between "I'm bored" and "I'm hungry"
How many times is it appropriate to say "what?" before you just not and smile when you can't hear what someone is saying?
Jeans never get dirty, you can wear them forever
I hate the heart dropping feeling of thinking you're gunna die after you tip your chair back a little too far
When a tag for something says "Do not machine wash", that usually means I won't ever wash it
How did we ever figure out to blow in the Nintendo cartridges as a kid? word of mouth? It's not like there was readily available internet where we could "google" it. I don't know about you, but when I had the 15 minutes of internet time in which no phone call could be received to the house because the internet was hooked up, you better believe I wasn't looking up "ways to make my video game work."
There's usually a point in your work day when you establish whether or not you're going to be productive that day.
One of the things I hate is knowing that the next day, I have off work but my parents don't, only to wake up that morning to my dad out in the living room playing with his airplanes...
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

Camp-6th year

2010-08-08T00:01:00.000-04:00

We just got back from middle school camp. This was my 6th year doing it. It's a little ridiculous. In some ways it was one of the more frustrating ones but overall, it really was one of the best years. God was completely in control, and this made everything go so much better. "my strength is made perfect in weakness" was my theme, and apparently was the theme of the worship team. There were so many times when I was weak and really not sure of what to do or how to get it done and God showed up. I feel like the reins were let go so much and we were really able to see the splendor of Jesus.

The enemy did try and attack, through not only the students but also in relationships between leaders. I realized just how much satan uses my insecurities to try and eliminate the joy I get from what I do. I feel like so much of the time, I was rebuking the enemy, refusing to let him have a foothold in camp. When I screw up with something, I let satan move in and influence my thoughts. I think it has something to do with one of my strengths being responsibility. When I have a responsibility, I do everything I can to make it run smoothly. However, I am human, and mess things up quite a bit, and when I do, I feel guilty, and have to make sure I fix the situation. I have a hard time taking compliments but I can take critiques all too easily.
To everyone to went to camp and helped, I am so thankful. You guys really were the best and are the ones who deserve the credit. Thank you, thank you, thank you. If I opened my mouth without realizing what was coming out of it, I'm sorry. I hope I encouraged more though.

If you read this Bobby, I am so proud of you. You had the leadership needed to take the worship team to that level of excellence and I can't help but smile when I see you lead worship.

I don't know what else to say except for thank you and that I had some of best fun I've had in years! Life is a highway, Faithfully, being "Boss", and traps will all stick in my mind forever. Love you all :)

Random Things

2010-07-13T00:02:00.001-04:00

Because every so often I like to post random thoughts and observations I've had:

I find pleasure in the little things. Like walking in the rain or watching fireworks.
I make legit french toast
I get so happy late at night when my cat starts going crazy and meows like he doesnt care who's sleeping in the house
I get the most excited when I have the ability to show someone that I capable of handling a task that they have given me. And with that, comes an immense amount of fear that I will let that person down
I literally don't know what I'm doing half the time, it's all God
One big thing I've learned this month? Love goes a long way, and so does a smile
One of my absolute favorite things in the world is to take a day off, put on a headband, don a messy bun, and do nothing all day..
Since I've been taking care of my dog in his old age, my dad suggested we open a dog nursing home. Not the worst idea he's ever had...
I think ballet is one of the most beautiful things to watch. It requires more strength than I can even imagine and yet they pull it off with such grace. Bueno ballet dancers, you have my respect.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love weddings? Looking at the groom's face as the bride walks down the aisle? How special a guy must feel when he gives a certain ring to THAT girl and knowing that as long as she wears it, she's his. Women are such treasures, and it must be a great feeling to know that one of them loves you so much, she's willing to love you forever.
There is a special place in my heart for flowers. A bouquet of peonies can do that to a girl
Playing video games stresses me out. It also makes me feel like a little kid, and I think that sometimes, that is perfectly ok.
I love it when it rains and I don't have to be anywhere.
In fact, I love having the feeling of not having to be anywhere and not having to work on anything. It's freeing.
I always ask myself why I can't have the same kind of joy I have at work, at home. Why do my parents always get the worst of me? Maybe because I know they'll love me unconditionally.
My dad finally asked my mom out on a date. Something I've been wanting him to do for a while.
I have a happy dance every time I'm eating something good.

A Tale of Three Kings...

2010-06-29T02:04:00.001-04:00

I'm reading a tale of three kings. It's a book on brokenness. It's fantastic. Here is something that just hit me like a ton of bricks, and humbles me even more:

At this time, David is deciding whether he wants to become a Saul and try and defeat Absalom who may be trying to take over his throne, or to possibly let his kingdom fall at the hands of this new young ruler.
"I did not lift a finger to be made king. Nor shall I do so to preserve the kingdom. Even the kingdom of God! God put me here. It is not my responsibility to take, or keep, authority. Do you not realize, it may be his will for these things to take place? If he chooses, God can protect and keep the kingdom even now. After all, it is his kingdom.....In either case, I shall raise no hand! Wouldn't I look a little strange trying to stay in control if God desires tat I fall?" "But you know that Absalom should not be king!", replied Abishai in frustration. "Do I? No man knows. Only God knows, and he has not spoken. I did not fight to be king, and I will not fight to remain king. May God come tonight and take the throne, the kingship, and..." David's voice faltered. "And his anointing from me. I seek his will, not his power. I repeat, I desire his will more than I desire a position of leadership. He may be through with me."

Thank you David for reminding me that having a position of leadership is an anointing from God and He doesn't really need me. Relinquishing control over that leadership is the best course of action because ultimately it is His, whether I am involved in it or not.

Abide in Me?

2010-06-28T22:01:00.000-04:00

Every year that I go to camp, God is like "Hey! Here's what you did good, and here's where I can grow you" and I'm like ::sigh:: yea....I know....help me...

and He always does, which is why I love Him so much...doesn't matter how much I fall, He always catches me

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing."

Abide in me? Abide in me. Abide in ME...Abide in God so that God can abide in me. How can I abide in God if so much of me is not righteous. God calls us to be holy as He is holy. This seems hard. Like....real hard. How can I be holy as God is holy? Well, it's nothing I can do, it's what God can do. This whole change thing...it can really hurt sometimes, to be honest.

Hey God, help me abide in you so you can abide in me. I'm a mess, but you're in the business of mending and fixing. Make your word evident in my life...

On a side note, my mom made her AMAZING oatmeal raisin cookies. I'm in baked good heaven..and I've broken out the "I'm eating something good" dance

Tired

2010-06-09T21:43:00.000-04:00

I'm telling you....working at Calvary can be the most exhausting thing! Especially around camp time. You're dealing with stressed Garfields and Christinas and completely insane parents. It's like when camp time comes around, parents take on this whole new persona that you never see and they are suddenly crazy! Not all.....but you do meet your quackers. It's so weird to be in the same place 3 years later. I'm enjoying it though. Things are different, and it's nice.
I can't believe that this is my 6th middle school summer camp. And yet each year, God gives me new ideas. It's crazy. I enjoy it so much though....I think that's why I've kept doing it year after year.
I really enjoy being creative with camp and interacting with different personalities in the office. Garfield calls our office the estrogen office because me, Sam Sweeting, Christina, and sometimes Julianna are all in the same office. It's quite hilarious. Anyway....this year should be fun. Some good changes. Mad props to Ashley for getting things started and helping me out. You're amazing!!

2010

2010-06-07T23:35:00.000-04:00

This whole growing up thing is way too weird. The high school class of 2010 just graduated. How can it be that 4 years ago I walked across that same stage? When I was going into 9th grade, they were going into 5th grade. And now? Now they're graduated, going off to college, and entering into the era of their lives that I just finished. It's surreal. There are those who are several years younger than me who are in serious relationships and are either engaged or close to it, and yet I am perpetually single. Not that I'm complaining. It's just so weird to be sitting in the same spot since forever and watch so many others go through things that I haven't experienced. That's not saying a whole lot since there's a lot I haven't experienced. Like a relationship.

I don't really know what I would do with a relationship. Honestly. The thought scares me. Well....frankly, the thought of having someone know me that well scares me more than anything. Guard your heart. Guard your heart. Well....I've done a good job of that! It's guarded! Barbed wire and everything! Love is crazy. Seriously. What am I ever going to do with it? Right now? Give it to the Lord. He has my heart and my love, and He knows what to do with it :)

Spiders....

2010-06-06T22:41:00.000-04:00

THERE ARE SPIDERS IN MY CAR....

I don't know how they got in there....but they're there. It's ridiculous. I'm driving and they start crawling out of the dashboard.....it's terrible. The other night, in the middle of the parking lot of a movie theater, I started freaking out because one jumped on me. IT JUMPED ON ME. I saw my life flash before my eyes....no joke.

This is my "There are spiders in my car" face.....I don't know how to get them out... :(

What do you mean "love others"?

2010-06-03T11:29:00.000-04:00

“These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:11-12

Why is this commandment one of the hardest to keep? Love others as I have loved you? Sure God! I can love other people! I can love my friends, those I work with, those I like.......oh wait, you mean love everyone? You mean even love the people I don't like and don't get along with? Crap....

Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to love others, even when I get nothing in return. When I am spent, you fill me up. The grace you give me is astounding...

Meet Charlie...

2010-05-28T01:17:00.000-04:00

So, in case you havent seen it all over facebook, Charlie is here. Charlie is my new macbook pro and he is very pretty.

so naturally.....I am very excited...

Anyway, I've been spending the time that I am at home messing with it and trying to customize it. Needless to say, there is going to be a time of adjusting. Having a mac makes me want to be creative, even though I don't really have the programs for that. And it's going to be a while before that happens. I have found one thing about macs that I don't like. In this arduous process of transferring files over to this computer, I'm having to use my 8gb jump drive because I can't format my hard drive to this mac. Anyway, I have found out that even though I delete something off my flash drive, it's not until I empty the recycle bin that the space on the drive is freed up. It kept saying that it was full even though there was nothing on it! With PC's, if you delete something off of it, while it still resides in the recycle bin, the space is freed up on the jump drive. Not with macs though. It's a little annoying but no biggy.

In other wedding news, I've decided to add a little gem to most of my posts. At least I'll have some sort of representation of the kind of style I have when it comes to weddings. Who knows what the Lord has in store for me when it comes to wedding planning. But it's an exciting time to trust completely in Him. So on that note, I am in love with the anemone. It kind of has a buttercup look and comes in many vibrant colors. Usually the center of the flower is in a contrasting color, which is my favorite part. My favorite however, are the white ones, which is odd because I'm not generally drawn to white flowers. Anyway, here is the flower by itself.

This bouquet: stunning. Shot by the amazing Jessica Claire

And of course, this bouquet is wedding gold.

It's different than others you would see. Still has a sweet, vintage feel but has some vibrant colors that make it gorgeous. And of course the anemone. The flowers are by Flowerwild Designs. I came upon their blog not too long ago and I love their work. So gorgeous.

Anyway, that's what I got so far!

A few of my favorite things

2010-05-11T16:25:00.002-04:00

I could literally spend hours looking at weddings. They get me so excited, you have no idea! And with that, comes this realization that being just graduated from college, I am a small fish in a big pond called the wedding industry. There are literally THOUSANDS of options out there, it's a little ridiculous. I'm a little in love with weddings.

Speaking of love, I have fallen in love with this photographer. I think he's fantastic. So vintage looking, its awesome.

On another note, can we please pause and appreciate how amazing this looks? Like you could just eat it right then and there. I might have to be adventurous and make this one...you can find the recipe here :)

Also, my flower pick of the week has to be this one. I'm in LOVE with fluffy flowers. Give me a bouquet full of ranunculuses and peonies and I'm in heaven. So....naturally. This is my pick of the week.

Discernment

2010-05-01T22:33:00.000-04:00

You ever had this deep feeling about something but you weren't really sure what it was but knew it was from the Lord? Yea, me too. Although I've heard Christian authors say things about trusting "feelings" and how that is not an accurate way of telling what the Lord wants you to do, I'm not sure that's entirely true. I don't know. All I do know is that I have a spirit of discernment about things, and when the Lord is trying to tell me something, He sure as heck uses my feelings as a way of doing it. Now....as to what to do with those feelings, well that's an entirely different thing all together...

Selfish thinking

2010-04-26T22:44:00.000-04:00

I am WAY too selfish. Here I am, graduating college with no debt and with the love of my parents who will continue to support me, even if they don't always understand my methods. And what can I think of? Me. It's always on my mind. Why didn't she text me back? Why can't they understand how I feel? Why can't I have discipline? Why don't they think of me when they go out? It's ridiculous, seriously.

Can't contentment in everything that Jesus Christ has done for me be enough? When am I going to find rest in His arms and know that every time I'm thinking about myself, Jesus is wishing that I was thinking about Him? I mean, He died for me! Hung on a cross, bled, suffered, and died for me; loves me despite everything I do to push Him away; is always waiting for me. And why can't I give Him my time? My everything? Because I am so selfish!

You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

The job market: Nepotism in action

2010-04-24T22:43:00.000-04:00

I'm graduating soon and suddenly, what I want to do is not acceptable. I can't accept part time jobs, because now that I'm in the "big leagues," as my father puts it, I can accept nothing less than a full time, 9-5 job. Clearly, its been a while since he's been in the job market.
Becoming a wedding planner isn't as easy as landing a full time assistant job until you gain enough experience and clientele that you can start your own business. Though I'm no expert, I'm pretty sure that the wedding planning industry is entirely based on nepotism. There's this guy who has a friend who has a brother who can make a call...If you are even able to get a job, you have to bust your butt and learn everything you can before you can get a chance to be successful. I am perfectly happy doing work for free until I get enough experience to get a job...too bad life requires you to have money...

A week in the life of...

2010-03-09T02:50:00.000-05:00

Alright, so not much has been goin on lately. I'm still waiting to hear back from Student Life. I got an email on Wednesday telling me that they would be sending me an email.....thanks for that...they said it could be as late as March 15....which is another week...
God is using this time to make me trust Him. Waiting is so hard, and even though this would be a really awesome opportunity, it's not where I want to be if God doesn't want me to be there. Still makes the waiting difficult because I just want to know!

In other news, I painted my nails tonight. The toes are a coral/red and fingernails are some sort of pink, called Pink Obsession. I'm not usually one to paint my nails, but to ofset the stress of my seemingly impossible midterm, I decided to do something for me. By the way, I got these new sleep pants at target that are AMAZING! So comfortable

Also, two weeks ago I spent a week at Briana's house while her parents were away. Needless to say, it was much appreciated. Thanks Briana :) So yea, me, Briana, and Ashley were roomates in a really big house for a week, it was a lot of fun. Friday we had a dinner/ impromptu dance/movie night with some of the friends. Kudos to Victor and Mike Nathan for makin dinner, Ashley for making those ridiculous (and by ridiculous, I mean fantastic) artichoke things, and Nick for finishing it off with the ice cream sandwiches. It was lots of fun and we pretty much just danced while we cooked and ate. That's probably one of my favorite things to do... Also, we watched Law Abiding Citizen...it was legit. Also, Kym talks in movies...FYI. Overall, lots of fellowship and good food.

Kym knows what to do with good music

Also, Briana tatted it up that week. She got a sick lookin tattoo on her wrist that said LOVE with a fish by it to. She's hardcore now :)

Peep ma tat!

I wanted to throw one more in there for good measure. I'm pretty sure that this accurately describes their relationship.

One more thing, God's been rockin my world, teaching me how much He loves me. Ephesians 1: 14 says that we were purchased by God through His blood so that we can be redeemed by Him when He comes. I've been learning an intimacy with Him, with His Spirit. God has been teaching me to get to know the Spirit, because the if I want to know God, then I need to know the Spirit, like in 1 corinthians 2:11. It's been radical just resting in the promise that God knows me. He knows everything about me. I'm such a safe person, making sure that no one gets in unless I say so. But with God, there are no walls, there are no barriers. It's just me and Him. He knows me and my imperfections and failures, and I am learning who He really is. It's so simple! It's been in front of my face my whole life but until I learned to trust Him, I could never know Him.

Knowing God...

2010-02-21T21:48:00.003-05:00

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37: 3-5

Seems like such a wonderful and easy thing to do right? Trust and delight yourself in the Lord and His ways and He'll give you what you want most? Why not do this? Why not put your life in the hands of the one who knows you deeper than anyone else ever will? God's been working in my heart to do this. Ok, so I've learned to trust Him in everything and give Him control. And now, I need to delight myself in His provision over me. I've been in inspired, not by teachings from Pastor Bob or from circumstances in my life that has drawn me to Him, but by high school kids. By working with these high schoolers in Boca and seeing them grow deeper in their walk with God, by finding an intimacy with their Creator, I am inspired to draw closer to God and to delight myself in Him, always. Andrew Lundy has been doing a phenomenal job in teaching them and harvesting friendship in their lives.

My next step is to create more of an intimate relationship with God. To learn what it is to "Know God." We're doing sexpectations in high school this month and last week, Andrew was talking about the need of guys and girl to have an intimate relationship with someone else. We were created for that purpose. I want that intimate relationship with God. He already knows me, and now I want to know Him. My bible study this past week has been about understanding God. By developing more of an intimate relationship with Him, and will understand Him.

Proverbs 2: 2-7 talks about ways to gain wisdom, "incline your ear to wisdom and apply your heart to understanding; yes if you cry out for discernment, and lift up your voice for understanding, if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasure; then you will understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding."

That passage is amazing! Here is my guide to know God! My favorite part is "if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasure; then you will understand the fear o the Lord" It's talking about seeking the word of God. My bible study this week said to take the word and devour it. Search it, mull over it, find the truths and live them out. This is my goal.

Goal for 2010: To seek God. To know Him intimately and to delight myself in Him.

Majors

2010-01-12T14:40:00.009-05:00

It's funny how what your major is had a lot to say about what kind of person you are. This is my fourth (and last) semester at FAU and so far, I've experienced a specific group of majors. Most of the people in the classes I take are around the same major. And when I look at each major, there are certain trends exhibited not only by the major, but by each class. I'm an observer. My dad says that I'm always scanning a room, making mental notes about things. Every class you take has a few different type of people that you can usually stamp out right from the beginning. I'm going to outline each major and outline each character that you GENERALLY find in every class (usually more commonly in any of the arts or humanities courses).

Music Majors: People who are music majors are usually fit in 3 different categories. The first category would be the mellow, low key person who is nevertheless passionate but still find a way to reign in their passion for the classroom. When they choose to speak in class, it's usually well meditated and indicative of their knowledge of their field. The other type of music major is the passionate, outwardly expressive person. This person tends to have something to say about everything that the professor says. Not to say that they are not brilliant, as many music majors have to be in order to last through the vigorous course study, but not everything that comes out of their mouth is well thought out and coherant. They usually take quite a long time to answer a question and tend to fill it with unnecessary information that does not pertain to the question. The 3rd type of person is the music major who is just a little bit out there. A little spacey and quirky. When they say something, you may not know exactly how to interpret that and you may generally have a quizzical look on your face when listening to them talk or trying to understand something they are saying.
Theatre Majors: With the exception of a few people, theatre majors are usually crazy. They usually exhude passion and (not to be tongue-in-cheek) a dramatic flair. Some characteristics of a theatre major would be expressive movements, passion, emotional responses to the content being discussed, and an unnecessary need to be loud and vocal about all topics. Participation is very rarely lacking in the class and the professor usually doesn't have a hard time getting the class to interact with each other and the topic being discussed. The things I love about history majors are their passion and zeal for life. They are not boring and when you are in a class that is not primarily constructed of theatre majors, they add a fun spice to the class.
History Majors: History majors can be 2 types of person. As much as I love history, I have a hard time dealing with the first type of person. The first type is the very opinionated, knowledgable, has read every book on the topic, kind of person. They have something to say about everything and it's usually their very strong opinion. They like to argue with you if you have something to say that is different than their own opinion, and it usually involves a "you're wrong". When this kind of person talks...I don't really listen...at all. The other type is the majority of history majors in that they are knowledgable but not proud. They may be either outspoken or quiet, but usually have something good to say. They are easy to work with in groups and are willing to help others.

Sociology/Psychology Majors: These kids are usually the most down to earth. Generally because someone with this major, with the exception of those who actually want to be psychologists or sociologists, has accepted this major because they need to get a college degree in something and figure that this would be a good one. The same thing goes with a lot of communication and business majors. These people usually don't have a specific kind of personality. Unless provoked by the professor, they remain pretty quiet. They are diligent note takers though. They do pay attention to what the professor is saying and mostly do the readings that are assigned.

Class Characters- Everyone a class that has certain personalities in them, no matter what their major is. You can pick them out by the first week.

That really annoying lady: This one is usually one of the oldest people in the class. They are VERY vocal and have something to say about almost everything that the professor says. Their usually pretty loud, both in the way they speak and in the way they laugh, because you know everything that they and the professor say is funny. They sit in the first or second row and just eat up everything the professor says. Depending on the prof, they like them a lot, mainly because they pay so much attention and engage in conversations with them after almost every class.

That really annoying guy: This guy is just as opinionated at the annoying lady. Not that being opinionated is a bad thing. To this guy, what he has to say is gold, although the other members of the class are usually not as excited to hear what he has to say. He's just that guy that you want to say "Really?...."

The absentee: This is the guy that never comes to class and only shows up when there is a test. They're also the one who sends out the classwide email asking for notes from people because "they couldn't make it to class that day."<---this is not an occurence that happens in every class. It's generally a guy, although there are some exceptions for women, but you can't always point them out. This guy sits in the back, and when he does show up for class, he gripes about how boring this is or their discomfort with the temperature of the classroom. Sleepy: Guy or girl, they can't manage to stay awake. Some of them try and take notes, but others come right in and go to sleep. Smart guy/girl: This person has a strong grasp on the topic and when they raise their hand, it's usually to either ask a contradicting question or answer something that the professor has said. They have a way of bringing a different point of view to the class other than what the professor has to say. The professor either loves them for thinking outside the box and challenging them, or they hate them for just the same reasons. Depends on the professors.

INFJ?

2009-12-19T01:34:00.003-05:00

I took a personality test for the whim of it. I got INFJ. Apparently I'm in the 1% of people, which makes it the rarest. Reading about it, it's pretty much how I am, with the exception of a some things. Just a fun thing I guess. Just a few updates in my life:

- Christmas is coming up and I'm very happy to be going to Tallahassee where it's a bit more chilly
- I'm a pretty sentimental person
- I spent the day on Thursday at Briana's house and hung out with her, Ashley, and her siblings. After hours of throwing the kids around, and watching the strength and warmth of her mom, I realized how much I missed my sister and how much I want to be a good mom
- I love Kate Winslet
- My room and car are in shambles and it's driving me nuts
- I want a floor to ceiling bookshelf, loaded with books, and a space carved out for my desk
- I want a nook that can be used for reading
- I'm reading Jane Eyre. It's quickly becoming my favorite book
- I keep getting closer to graduation and it keeps scaring me more and more
- Ace Christmas party was tonight. It was fun
- I'm in desperate need of new clothes
- Cooking makes me feel comfortable. I like comfortable
- I don't think what a degree is is as important as whatever it is you do with your life
- My mom made a mistake at work and when they didn't tell her she did a great job that day, she started to tear up. I realized how much I'm like my mother at that point.
- I almost cried during Agnus Dei at the Calvary Christmas show. It was that beautiful
- I get intimidated easily
- Telling someone how I really feel, whether positive or negative, is one of the hardest things. Is that common?
- I'm always trying to improve myself, without God, this venture is futile.
- Christmas music is the best
- "Iris, if you were a melody...I used only the good notes"

Easy Love?

2009-12-11T13:56:00.004-05:00

What happened to the days when boys and girls were easy? You know, when a guy liked you, he sent you a note and then you firmly made your decision right then and there and that was the end of it. Or maybe he utilized his friends to find out if you liked him. However he did it, it was pretty cut and dry.
And what about the other way around? It used to be so easy to ward off someone who was interested in you but you weren't. "I'm not allowed to date," "I'm too young," "You're too old." It was a little more cut and dry, albeit still awkward, but not as grey.
Now! Aye now it's so much more difficult. Now if you're seen talking to a guy, oh well then you MUST be interested in them. And if you, oh I don't know, hold eye contact with a guy when you're having a conversation, which is proper etiquette by the way, well then they assume that you are interested in them even though nothing else about your body language will give you that signal. And trying to figure out of someone is saying something and then you think they're saying one thing when in fact they are saying something else entirely without uttering a single word!

::sigh::

I'm pretty sure I'm scared of growing up.

Updates...

2009-11-23T22:22:00.005-05:00

Just some small updates in my life:

-I helped pick out the decor for Jamie's wedding reception today. It's going to be beautiful.

-Arranged the songs that I'll be singing for the Six78 Christmas Party. Mark Bennett is going to be playing guitar for it so it should sound pretty rad.

-Saw Jessica Huber for the first time since she moved. She looked stunning. I was very happy to see her.

-Finished my music business research project. That class has turned out to be one of the more difficult classes I've taken.

-Rented "He's just not that into you" again from the red box thing. A: I'm liking red box more and more. B: "He's just not that into you" is a good movie.

-Went on an epic frog hunt in my living room last night. Apparently he liked my windowsill instead of the outside world. Needless to say, there was a lot of screeching from me and jumping from the frog.

-I filled up my tank with gas and watched my money go down the drain. I also avoided the eye contact of the creepy gas station attendants who work at EVERY gas station you ever go to.

-Came one step closer to submitting my application to Student Life to work there this summer. It's complete, I just need the gusto to submit it.

-I missed horses today and wish I could be around them all the time.

-I sighed as my boss read me my schedule for this week. 12 hours...

-I smiled really big at all the pictures from Nick's birthday party. High schoolers make me smile a lot.

-One day closer to graduating.

-Jesus is the sweetest and His grace amazes me daily, especially when I fail at my part of the relationship. Somehow He always knows how to pick me up.

Softball and cell phones

2009-11-16T22:57:00.003-05:00

I went to the boy's softball game tonight. They wiped the other team, D-nuts? T-nuts? (either way, horrible name) clean with a 20-4 score. Go victory boys! I got to see friends that I don't see all that often.

Today was a pretty great day. I had off from work so after going to a brief stint of school, I went to Walmart. Tried something new today. That red-box dvd thing? Pretty cool. I can we what all the fuss is about. Rented some dvd's, came home, watched them ,worked out, and enjoyed a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendys (favorite). Then I enjoyed the rest of the day in my room, hanging out, reading, sleeping. All around a good day.

Also, I've been enjoying mobil uploads. I think it's a fun way to show things that are interesting to me when they are happening. My new phone and its picture taking abilities are swell and I enjoy posting them on facebook.

Meteor shower tonight, actually right now. I think I'll head outside to watch that one for a little bit.

An Adult?

2009-11-15T18:06:00.003-05:00

I went to Jamie's bridal shower today. It was lovely and of course she looked perfect. Traditional bridal games were played including a surprise visit from the groom. I'm so excited for them and can't wait to see her walk down the aisle, though I'm sure Mark is a little more. I've got good ideas brewing for when my bridal shower comes...
I'm almost done with school. I realized after stressing about registering for my spring semester that this was the last time I was going to register at FAU for my bachelors. It kind of freaks me out. I've been hit with the reality that once I graduate from college, I'm going to be an adult. I'm an adult now, but once I graduate, I'll have a bachelor's degree and will have to move onto to bigger things. No more working part time jobs and living in the now. Now it's time for getting a real job, using my degree, and putting money away for my future.
I'm now at that point where I have crossed the threshhold of being considered one of the youth. At a meeting at church the other day which included many high schoolers, Mike asked for all the adults to stay afterwards so he could talk to them. This included me. It was weird. Of course I knew I was an adult up to that point, and I had been called a leader many times, but it was the first time that I was referred to as an adult, among the parents that were there, and not just a youth leader.
The kids treat me that same way that I treated adult youth leaders when I was in high school. You know, when one of them walked up to the circle that you were in with your friends and automatically, everyone gets a little hushed and straightens up a little, especially the guys. Suddenly they watch what they're saying, afraid that I'm going to pass some kind of condemnation on them. And I just keep thinking, "What? Is there a pastor around? Why is everyone so quiet?" And then I realize that its me. How can I be an adult? Wasn't I just in high school, standing around in a circle with my friends, laughing about some dirty joke that this kid told in English class while also mocking the teacher? It makes me laugh that that is where I'm at now. And pretty soon it's going to happen to them.....
I hope God can use me in their lives somehow, even if it is as an adult. I really do care about those kids a lot. Otherwise, I don't think I would spend my time on them.

It's a weird place to be at. God is good.

Are you there God? It's me, Amy

2009-09-28T23:32:00.004-04:00

I've been in a slump lately and I don't really know why. I have theories, though none are conclusive as of yet. It's not even a slump I can describe. It's this feeling of having absolutely no motivation to do anything yet wanting to get everything done.

I haven't been truly happy in a while. It's like in the span of about 5 weeks, everything about my life changed, and I think it's rocked me a little bit. I've changed how I think about a lot of things. I'm contemplating the fact that in the Spring of 2010, I will be a college graduate and therefore will have to grow up. I'm also a little excited with the fact that, if I wanted to, I could live anywhere and I wouldn't be tied down here by anything (aside from family). No excuses. No fantastic job (although I love working at ACE), no school, no boyfriend. None. That excites me a little bit. It excites me that, if I wanted to, I could live. Will I be doing anything about that? Probably not. I'm not comfortable with change. I prefer to stay complacent, which is maybe why I've gotten to where I am right now.

I'm mulling a few things over in my head. Things that will change one of the stable things in my life. Once again, I lean too much on what others say rather that what God says. I want to care about what God says, but at this point, I've got nothing. Just conflicting feelings and prayers that feel like they've hit a wall.

And yes, I know He's always listening and hears me. And yes, I know His plan is best. And yes, I've prayed about it. But how can I follow what He wants me to do if I can't hear His voice?

I feel like I've asked that question before...

1 Peter 1:7...

2009-06-30T00:30:00.004-04:00

I went and looked at all my past blog posts and I realized that I have about 4 saved blogs that I never published, probably because I was attempting to write when really nothing was coming out.
I have something to write about. It's about faith. This seems like of ironic, seeing as I am T-minus 4 weeks away from going to middle school summer camp who's theme is "Faith Factor."
This has been such an immense year of growth for me, spiritually, mentally, and in the way I relate to people.

I just got back from high school camp, which I had also attended a year ago. It was at this point that I realized how much God has stretched me and has begun to mold me. It's like I finally woke up and realized that God really does have a bigger plan for my life than anything I could ever come up with. The point where I had this revelation was actually before camp even got underway; it was on the bus on the way up. Our bus was extra slow because of an engine problem, and also, for whatever reason, the air conditioning was malfunctioning, and basically we sat on a very hot bus, 2 to a seat, for 4 1/2 hours. During this time, especially since I was sitting in the very last row, I had to listen to 4 hours of complaining from a variety of students. Needless to say, by the time we got off the highway, I was already exhausted. However, I didn't snap at anyone and tried to stay as pleasant as possible. In fact, when I felt myself getting to that point, God put a song in my heart and I just started to sing, because I knew that I had to praise God for every situation I'm in, rather good or bad. I was just as hot, hungry, annoyed, and tired as every other student on that bus, yet I managed to control my emotions (with God's help).
When we finally arrived at camp and stepped off the bus, I looked around at all the chaos that Garfield and the Liquid Staff had to put up with and instead of thinking of myself and how things were not going properly, I was filled with compassion. Odd, I know. What a weird situation to feel compassion at? Nonetheless, I had compassion, not only for the staff, but also for the students. I just started praying, asking God to fill all their hearts with His joy, because I knew at that time, there wasn't any other person who could bring these people joy like Jesus can.
This was at the point that I realized how selfish I had been last year, and how much God was just living in me and not through me. I try to think that I stayed as positive as possible during camp, aside from the 4 hour window on the last day when I was so disappointed with myself, especially since I had messed up my ankle.

Bringing this all back to faith, I've come up with a new definition of it, as it applies to my life. Faith isn't just saying that you believe in something, and it's also not just a religion. You see, I had faith last year, but just because I knew I had to; because I wouldn't be a Christian if I said I didn't have faith. But having faith is so much more than just saying that God will work it out. It's truly believing that He will; it's letting go completely and being entirely vulnerable with the One who knows you like no one else does. It's handing over the reigns and saying that you just can't do it anymore, and allowing Him to chip away the things that weigh you down so that you can become that person that He sees every day. It's realizing that you are good enough, that you matter enough for God to take an interest in your life, not because He's God, but because He truly LOVES you. And I don't just mean loves like is said between husband and wife in passing; I mean love as in He is absolutely, 100% crazy about you and wants nothing more than for you to give yourself over to Him so that He can use you.

I couldn't be used by God until I gave that all over to Him. It wasn't until I laid flat on my face before God and told Him that He wins, that there is nothing left of me, and that Satan would no longer have a foothold in my life. It wasn't until I realized that everything I was doing was for other people. It was because I was so concerned with not screwing up not failing, that I had forgotten the reason why I was doing those things in the first place. My significance is not found my performance, it's found in His arms. It's found in the One who picks me up and carries me to His secret place, in His pavilion in His tabernacle; it's found in the One who meet me where I am, amongst my filth and sin, and tells me that I'm beautiful.

Though my faith is tested so many times, and often, I fail, I can pick myself up again because I know that my satisfaction is not found in my performance, but in the knowledge that Christ loves me, and that it is through fire that gold is purified. "These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold; though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."1 Peter 1:7

Proverbs 31?

2009-06-02T10:47:00.003-04:00

I get nervous trying to live up to Proverbs 31. Even though I'm not a wife yet, I still need to strive to become a good one later in life. I can't become a Proverbs 31 wife but God can always grow me into a virtuous wife. God changes the heart and is always in the process of growing and stretching me. He's in control, not me.

Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
“ Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.

So there was this idea...

2009-04-26T23:26:00.005-04:00

Since school is over, I will be spending Wednesday taking pictures, until I have to go to work. I've got this fantastic idea that I stole from a Martha Stewart magazine (guilty, yes). I intend on taking some pictures of pretty stuff (don't know exactly what that will entail), and then I want to blow them up on canvases, probably 12x16, and hang them on my wall. Probably something like this.
I also intend upon embarking on a creative venture this summer...I need change. If I can't physically go somewhere, I want my environment to change. I want to change my room around. I like pale colors and dark wood. Something soft, and artistic. Simple. Something with these colors...
ok, I think the purple is a little too pink, but you get the idea. Clean lines, creative ideas, PICTURES, SMILES. Especially since that's pretty much what inspires me. :)

Come on...

2009-04-23T21:23:00.004-04:00

You know what I can't stand? It's when a teacher makes you write an opinion paper on something that is not your opinion. For instance, I am forced to agree with classic feminists on the subject of the torture of the Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib. "In what ways has gendered violence been justified by perpetrators in Abu Ghraib and by Islamic and Christian Funamentalists?"
Suddenly, Christian Fundamantalists are responsible for the justification of the torture of the Abu Ghraib prisoners? Thats a bunch of crap. Suddenly, I am supposed to give reasons as to why Christian Fundamentalists are responsible for the justification of these crimes, when that's really not what I believe at all. It's like they assume that just because I am taking a feminist class, I am a feminist and that I agree with everything that is written in my book and am prepared to write about it. I know that I can BS all of it, but it is still is not right that I am forced to write on something with which I do not agree on. I guess that's the definition of a liberal college.

21 candles

2009-04-08T23:53:00.003-04:00

It has been 21 years since I was born. I can't say that I have a wealth of knowledge to impart on those that are younger than me, mainly because I have yet to experience enough to be worthy to give advice. This year, I entered a university, said goodbye to a few friends, welcomed a few new ones, was considered a drama teacher, finally found out that God really DOES have a better plan that I do, lost 5 pounds, gained back 10, read the entire bible, and most of all I found out that my identity is not found in the thoughts and opinions of others, but in how Christ sees me...which ultimately means that I am beautiful.

I hesitate to say that these are words of wisdom:

1. Make sure you give at least 45 minutes when travelling to FAU in the morning
2. Don't be shy
3. People generally are open to what you have to say
4. Learn to stand up for yourself and have your own voice
5. Never be afraid to try something new (as long as it's safe)
6. People are not nice
7. Politics are important, whether you choose to believe that or not
8. Even if you may not believe it, they ARE watching you
9. When all else fails...sing
10. People will ALWAYS surprise you
11. Radio is out there for more than playing music
12. Facebook is a great way to connect with people
13. Someone is always listening
14. Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow
15. If you smile, things go over better
16. Empire waist is one of the most flattering styles for anyone
17. You haven't lived until you've had a Bemis omelet
18. Let people help you
19. Broaden your comfort zone
20. Challenge yourself CONSTANTLY
21. Just be

Neutering Christianity?

2009-04-07T19:28:00.003-04:00

I've noticed in increasing popularity, the growing trend of "neutering" the Christian faith. Yea, I said neuter.

I lead the middle school drama team at my church. Each week, I challenge the girls to take what their reading and dig deeper. I feel like it falls on deaf ears even though Christ says that His word never falls on deaf ears. I ask them about their devotions and what Christ has taught them about it. Each week, I get the same response, "Yea, I read it but like, I don't see how it like applies to me" or the ever increasing "Yea, and, it told me like how we should like, love God more and like talk more about it." I hang my head.

How do you teach middle school girls to make Christianity their own faith when they are always being taught the "safe" side of Christianity? I feel like I fight against those Christians who teach the Joel Osteen "name it and claim it" and "life is great if you just believe" mentality. Didn't Christ say that we must suffer for him? How can anyone possibly suffer for Christ when they can't hear God speaking to them through His word because they don't know how to listen?

These thoughts come to the front of my mind because at our meeting on Monday, I spoke about palm sunday and read Matthew 21 which talks of Jesus triumphant entry into Jerusalem. I also read Luke 19:40 "But He answered and said to them, “I tell you that if these should keep silent, the stones would immediately cry out.” They had no idea what this meant! "I don't get it! I mean, how can rocks cry out?" Again...I hang my head in defeat. Why is it necessary to spell out every part of the bible for these girls? Is it because they havent made their religion their own yet or is it because they are always spoon fed the word of God and not made responsible for reading and intepreting and applying His word in their OWN life?

Why is there this increasing popularity of watering down and spoon feeding Christianity?