How He Loves Us...

I feel guilty a lot. When I don't live my entire life for Him, I feel guilt. The guilt comes when I try to come to Him with it. It's like I expect for Him to say to me "You know what Amy, I hear the same thing every time you come to me with your sin. The same thing, and yet no change. I'm sorry but I just don't love you as much because you refuse to give everything to Me." Like He's mad at me. It's this distorted view of God that Satan uses to get under my sin, to make me not come before God with everything because I'm afraid of what He'll think. I don't think I could be any farther from the truth...

I was browsing some videos on youtube when things came to David Crowder. I clicked on How He Loves Us because it's one of my favorite videos of theirs. The song started playing and I started weeping. Weeping because God allowed me to see just how much He loves me in that instant. I can't think of the Father's love without crying, because sometimes I don't feel worthy of that love. When I was listening to the song, it's like Jesus wrapped His arms around me and whispered in my heart that what I am is all He wants and is all He loves and nothing I will ever do will separate me from His love. It's like Pastor Chet spoke of last week, Jesus Christ wants to set us free. He knows we're going to mess up, and He loves us anyway. It's beautiful. The power of Christ in my life is beautiful, and sometimes I just need to be reminded that Jesus loves me.

David Crowder "How He Loves"

Favorite Lyrics this week

My favorite lyrics this week come from Mumford & Sons song "Roll Away Your Stone":

"It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But you say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart"

Personal:: Never the life of the party :)

It's hard for me to make friends. Sure is. And I understand that, I do; and I have made attempts to break out of that when the rare chance comes along that I'm able to. I guess...You see, this is where my major malfunction is. When I meet someone new (boy or girl), I attempt to get to know them as the evening goes on, but it's usually unsuccessful. I never really think that I'm ever going to hang out with that person again, usually because they are so socially connected to a group of people that I'm not socially connected with. I'm never the party planner, the one who organizes things because I don't have that core group of people who I hang out with all the time. I used to, but not as of late. I dabble around. I know (or at least have met before) a large amount of people, all connected in different social circles, but none of them merge. So I'm in limbo. I'm not the person that first comes to mind when someone thinks, "hey, let's get a group of people together and do _____." Because I'm so socially disconnected.

I'm not complaining. And am definitely not throwing a pity party nor do I want anyone feeling that way towards me. I hate that and I did plenty of that in high school. No more. I guess the purpose of this post is that I finally realized that I guard myself against new people because I fully expect for them to hang out with me in a group setting a few times and then leave, only to respond with a possible side smile when passed in the hallway. It has happened (and continues to happen) numerous times in my life and so I have tried to build a wall up against that sting that I get. I hate those moments, no one feels good in the end (unless they're a complete tool, in which case I could care less). It's those people that I've hung out with before and have exchanged words with before that cause the wall to build. It's like when I meet someone who's personality I get along with and who will take the time to get to know me, (again, i'm not talking about guys, i'm talking about people in general) I don't believe that that person actually likes me for me. I act like that person is only being polite and doesn't want to be rude at a party, so they talk to me. I don't know why I think that, but I do. So when I do maintain a friendship with someone beyond that time we met, I'm always thinking in the back of my mind that this person is going to stop being polite eventually. It's a pathetic way of thinking, I know...

Oh, and yes, I'm fully aware that this goes both ways, and I'm absolutely positive that on more than one occasion I have acted like a complete tool to someone in that way, causing them to pull away. And I'm also fully aware that you can't be friends with everyone you meet and that it's ok. I also know, and most importantly so, that all that really matters is my heart because man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart.

So it's ok. I'm ok. I can't put up a wall just because I didn't get invited to something or wasn't on someone's mind. Shoot, if I did that, I would have a castle around me. I'm content where I am and I know that once people get to know me, I think I'm cool to hang out with. And by cool, I mean a complete dork who never knows the right thing to say...

Robert Frost:: The Road Not Taken

Wishy-washy-the word to describe my career goals. I do want to be a wedding planner. I do, no doubt about it. But I am wishy-washy about the path I will take to get there. Scared is probably a more appropriate adjective. As far as I'm aware, there are 2 paths to be taken. Get a job at a place and work my way up to the title of "self-employed" or just muster up some strength and take the plunge. The first has been slightly less successful, as said in a previous post, you gotta "know somebody" to break into the field. This leaves me with the second choice, which is daunting, to say the least. Start my own business.

Do I go the Robert Frost way and embark on the road not taken? Do I have the guts to take a step and possibly fail? Not sure...

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Advice: From one stranger to a mother

            Have you ever thought, when viewing a situation that is precarious, that "Well....there just seems to be a better way of going about it..."? I went to Walmart, looking to buy shampoo and to also stop by the "beauty" section because I was out of concealer. Naturally, Walmart didn't have my Almay brand. Fact: Walmart has everything, except what you really need. Anyway, since I had to find a substitute concealer, I was perusing the shelves and also noticed a mother and her obviously insecure 14 year old high school freshman daughter (I assume this because of A) her need to buy NYC brand eye liner and B) her attempt to try to look as cool as possible while shopping with her mom in the makeup section of Walmart) arguing over the right color eye liner.
              Anyway, as I'm looking through the makeup, the mom approaches me and says "Hey, let me ask you a question." (I knew at this point that this would not turn out well for me or for the daughter). She proceeds to ask me for my opinion on whether her daughter, based on her facial features, skin tone, and hair color, should be wearing "Dark Brown" or "Brown-Black" eye liner. For the record, as far as NYC eye liner is concerned, there's not a HUGE difference between the two. As this mother is talking to me, I look over to the poor girl and her body language is saying "Mom! Shut up!" as she tries as hard as she can to become invisible. She had put her hoodie up, her shoulders were slouched, she was standing slightly bow legged, and she had pursed her lips (kinda like what I do when I'm watching someone do something embarrassing). I felt bad for her, really. Not only is her mom (which, to the 14 year old girl, doesn't know a thing) asking strangers about makeup choices for her, but she is also asking this stranger to take a look at her face, analyze it, and give her mother her opinion. I mean, come on mom! Now, I'm a logical person, and I understand the mom's side. As an adult woman, you naturally want your friends and even the occasional same-sex stranger to tell you what looks good on you. This is perfectly acceptable. But to this girl? This is the worst thing in the world!
            A message to mothers of young teenage daughters. Don't ask a stranger for makeup advice for your daughter while she's standing there. Most girls that age are trying as hard as they can to blend in and "be cool" and this makes them completely vulnerable. There will come a time when you and your daughter are looking at makeup in Sephora and you both strike up a conversation with the lady next to you about your argument over which shade of nectar lip gloss looks best on your daughter; and your daughter will be ok with it. And probably join in on the conversation. But just not yet....
           In the end, I attempted to make the girl feel as comfortable as possible by referencing how gorgeous her eyes were and that she could wear whatever makeup she wanted and still look beautiful. I also gave her a look that not all mothers catch that said, "Don't worry, I understand how embarrassing this is." I got a slight smile from her as her mother thanked me and they walked away.




And for the record, I had to go to Target for my concealer...