Christmas in Tallahassee...

I'm going up to Tallahassee tomorrow. Going to visit the aunt, cousins, and grandma. I'm excited about spending Christmas in cold but not mind numbingly cold weather. I'm excited to wear my scarves all day.

And this year, I have a plan. There are two large stacks of books lying next to my bed and I entirely plan on bringing them along and making a big dent in those books. I also plan on being outside way more. I am going to finally put my bucket list on one sheet of paper (at the moment it's broken into various sheets and a few word documents). I'm going to brainstorm names for my wedding planning business (input is appreciated). I'm going to (if I can get internet access) pour over jasmine star's old blog posts about starting her wedding photography business because I would like to model my business very much after hers. I'm going to work on my friend's wedding. I'm going to shoot my bow. I'm going to relax. And I'm going to enjoy Christmas.

It makes my heart hurt...

It makes my heart hurt when I watch kids go off to college and forget about who God truly is. It makes my heart hurt when I see good friends find redemption in Him only to fall away from God again because their faith was not made real. It makes my heart hurt to think that it's possible that I won't see some of my family in heaven. It makes my heart hurt when I watch close friends make poor decisions. It makes my hurt hurt to watch the insensitivity people have toward other people, and to know that often times I do the same thing. It makes my heart hurt to think about how much God's heart must hurt when I don't love Him like I should; when He watches people push Him away because they think He's not enough for them; when they deny what happened on the cross. It makes my heart hurt to know that every time I sin, I'm pushing Christ farther from me; to know that I'm telling Him that something is more important to me than what He did for me at Calvary.

Personal:: Childhood Memories

I hate tulle. Anyone who's ever talked to me about wedding dresses can attest to it. And I remember when that hatred started. I was 5 and my mom bought me my first poofy dress, complete with tulle underneath a flowery skirt. I was less than thrilled to wear it to church that Sunday. It was terrible. The tulle underneath the dress itched like crazy and I couldn't sit still to save my life. I think it ripped a hole in my white stockings too. A couple of bickering fights and a pair of scissors later, my dress was no longer poofy and I was a happy 5 year old. Thus started my hate for dresses with tulle.

One of those days

       It's just been one of those days. The kind where you don't change out of your pajamas, your hair looks like something out of a Frankenstein movie, and somehow the idea of responsibility and productivity elope from your mind. Bobby pins are my best friends on days like this. The basket of folded laundry on my bed won't put itself away, I'm littered with piles of recipes that I'm sorting, and somehow 24 hours after I clean my room, it's messy again.

        I've got a stack of books sitting next to my bed and coffee cups of various sizes sitting on shelves. My bible and journal remain open from this morning, and I can't seem to make myself throw away the wilting roses sitting on my shelf.




Sometimes days like these are alright.

Day 4

Time Awake: 6:30 (I don't think I even  heard the alarm until it was ringing at 6:15)

Tasks Accomplished: Prayer. Time spent with Jesus. Finished Crazy Love. Was inspired to love people. Went over small group curriculum for today. Prayed for my small group girls.

Likes: Getting up early is getting easier. That moment when I first wake up and am able to see the majesty of Christ through the beautiful sunrise as I thank Him for the day. The reading I'm able to get done. Not having excuses for my lack of time.

Dislikes: Still being tired. The fact that it takes me 45 minutes to be coherent; I have a feeling that it'll get easier.

Day 2

Time Awake: 6:15 am

Tasks Accomplished: Jesus time. Flipped through a magazine. Read another 2 chapters in Crazy Love. Watched an episode of The Office. Successfully made a cup of coffee


Likes: Knowing that I got those things done that are important to me in the beginning of the day so that by the time I'm usually waking up, I can do those things that I normally would push to the next day


Dislikes: I'm dead tired. It took me 45 minutes to be coherent enough to check my email. When the weather outside does not promote my goal of waking up early: like today.


Side note: I'm pretty sure I need a new copy of My Utmost For His Highest.

Day 1

Time Awake: 6:10

Tasks Accomplished: Walked & fed dog and cats. Unsuccessfully made coffee. Laundry. Spent time with God. Read about Calvinism & Arminianism. Read 2 chapters in Crazy Love. Listened to entire Jesus Culture album.

Likes: More time to read and spend time with God. Feel good about myself and my day. Able to spend time in prayer for others (something severely lacking in my life).

Dislikes: How cold it is that early in the morning.

Goal for this week: Finish Crazy Love

Personal:: Life Adjustments

As always, there are adjustments that should be made in my life. You know, re-prioritize my life, get things in order, grow up; that sort of thing. My first goal? (because this time I'm actually going to complete a goal in my life): Get up early. If I ever want to get in shape, be a productive person, teach myself crafts, and have a more personal walk with God, I need a few more hours of "doing time." And this time shouldn't be at night when any time I make a sound, I fear for the sounds of one of my parents getting out of bed to tell me to be quiet. This being said, I'm making it public. I'm gunna blog about it. Because, well, I've never been much of a blogger. Journalist? Diary-writer? None of that. Never described me. But alas, in this venture of doing things that I have previously said I would never be good at, I'm gunna blog about this goal. I'm not saying every day, because let's face it, this is me we're talking about here. I'm starting tomorrow morning. 6 am.....this hurts just thinking about it.

Favorites: 6 years of middle school camp

Alright, I went sentimental. I looked back at all my pictures from middle school summer camp. And I missed it. Joking with my dad last night over funny experiences in our life made me realize how many moments at camp I love. Even though the timing is a bit off, after 6 years (maybe 7?), I want to share my favorite things/moments about camp. Call me crazy, call me a dork, I don't care :)

1. Shopping for rec supplies
2. Chaos in the office
3. Packing the truck
4. The drive up there
5. Coming over that hill, seeing the sign, and being amazed that they got me to do this again...
6. My rec leaders
7. The golf carts and the many good conversations that happen on them
8. Putting my rec leaders through seemingly meaningless tasks under lack of sleep to judge their character :)
9. Waking up each morning knowing I get to have fun with kids
10. Sitting in the background and watching relationships be developed
11. Finding random things behind the stage
12. Unnerved by the fact that Camp Geneva never throws anything away
13. (This past year only) Having all the family ministry pastors and families there for just a few days
14. Late night sonic runs and graveyard raids
15. (This past year only) Talking to Sean Rose about college life (and listening to Garfield give him the secrets of Liberty and dorm room etiquette)
16. Rec team homemade videos
17. Coordinating super hero costumes
18. The worship team
19. Watching family groups walk to devotions
20. Laughing at the awkwardness of middle schoolers
21. Watching family groups go anywhere and seeing 2 tall people surrounded by a gaggle of little people. Reminds me of 2 parent ducks walking with their babies.
22. Watching middle schoolers interact with each other in a safe environment while also being bathed in the word by strong adult and student leaders and want them to grow in their personal relationship with Christ.
23. Middle school boys covered head to toe in red paint
24. Not being able to believe my eyes when I see Natalie on stage with a green wig and glasses being a complete goof with the kids.
25. Bringing together complete strangers for my rec team and watching them come to love each other over the course of a week, not letting social norms dictate how they treat each other but rather letting love dictate how they treat each other
26. Probably my favorite thing about camp is seeing time after time, God's amazing power to show up and be that strength when I know that I and the rest of the camp leadership, are weak.

How He Loves Us...

I feel guilty a lot. When I don't live my entire life for Him, I feel guilt. The guilt comes when I try to come to Him with it. It's like I expect for Him to say to me "You know what Amy, I hear the same thing every time you come to me with your sin. The same thing, and yet no change. I'm sorry but I just don't love you as much because you refuse to give everything to Me." Like He's mad at me. It's this distorted view of God that Satan uses to get under my sin, to make me not come before God with everything because I'm afraid of what He'll think. I don't think I could be any farther from the truth...

I was browsing some videos on youtube when things came to David Crowder. I clicked on How He Loves Us because it's one of my favorite videos of theirs. The song started playing and I started weeping. Weeping because God allowed me to see just how much He loves me in that instant. I can't think of the Father's love without crying, because sometimes I don't feel worthy of that love. When I was listening to the song, it's like Jesus wrapped His arms around me and whispered in my heart that what I am is all He wants and is all He loves and nothing I will ever do will separate me from His love. It's like Pastor Chet spoke of last week, Jesus Christ wants to set us free. He knows we're going to mess up, and He loves us anyway. It's beautiful. The power of Christ in my life is beautiful, and sometimes I just need to be reminded that Jesus loves me.

David Crowder "How He Loves"

Favorite Lyrics this week

My favorite lyrics this week come from Mumford & Sons song "Roll Away Your Stone":

"It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But you say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart"

Personal:: Never the life of the party :)

It's hard for me to make friends. Sure is. And I understand that, I do; and I have made attempts to break out of that when the rare chance comes along that I'm able to. I guess...You see, this is where my major malfunction is. When I meet someone new (boy or girl), I attempt to get to know them as the evening goes on, but it's usually unsuccessful. I never really think that I'm ever going to hang out with that person again, usually because they are so socially connected to a group of people that I'm not socially connected with. I'm never the party planner, the one who organizes things because I don't have that core group of people who I hang out with all the time. I used to, but not as of late. I dabble around. I know (or at least have met before) a large amount of people, all connected in different social circles, but none of them merge. So I'm in limbo. I'm not the person that first comes to mind when someone thinks, "hey, let's get a group of people together and do _____." Because I'm so socially disconnected.

I'm not complaining. And am definitely not throwing a pity party nor do I want anyone feeling that way towards me. I hate that and I did plenty of that in high school. No more. I guess the purpose of this post is that I finally realized that I guard myself against new people because I fully expect for them to hang out with me in a group setting a few times and then leave, only to respond with a possible side smile when passed in the hallway. It has happened (and continues to happen) numerous times in my life and so I have tried to build a wall up against that sting that I get. I hate those moments, no one feels good in the end (unless they're a complete tool, in which case I could care less). It's those people that I've hung out with before and have exchanged words with before that cause the wall to build. It's like when I meet someone who's personality I get along with and who will take the time to get to know me, (again, i'm not talking about guys, i'm talking about people in general) I don't believe that that person actually likes me for me. I act like that person is only being polite and doesn't want to be rude at a party, so they talk to me. I don't know why I think that, but I do. So when I do maintain a friendship with someone beyond that time we met, I'm always thinking in the back of my mind that this person is going to stop being polite eventually. It's a pathetic way of thinking, I know...

Oh, and yes, I'm fully aware that this goes both ways, and I'm absolutely positive that on more than one occasion I have acted like a complete tool to someone in that way, causing them to pull away. And I'm also fully aware that you can't be friends with everyone you meet and that it's ok. I also know, and most importantly so, that all that really matters is my heart because man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart.

So it's ok. I'm ok. I can't put up a wall just because I didn't get invited to something or wasn't on someone's mind. Shoot, if I did that, I would have a castle around me. I'm content where I am and I know that once people get to know me, I think I'm cool to hang out with. And by cool, I mean a complete dork who never knows the right thing to say...

Robert Frost:: The Road Not Taken

Wishy-washy-the word to describe my career goals. I do want to be a wedding planner. I do, no doubt about it. But I am wishy-washy about the path I will take to get there. Scared is probably a more appropriate adjective. As far as I'm aware, there are 2 paths to be taken. Get a job at a place and work my way up to the title of "self-employed" or just muster up some strength and take the plunge. The first has been slightly less successful, as said in a previous post, you gotta "know somebody" to break into the field. This leaves me with the second choice, which is daunting, to say the least. Start my own business.

Do I go the Robert Frost way and embark on the road not taken? Do I have the guts to take a step and possibly fail? Not sure...

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Advice: From one stranger to a mother

            Have you ever thought, when viewing a situation that is precarious, that "Well....there just seems to be a better way of going about it..."? I went to Walmart, looking to buy shampoo and to also stop by the "beauty" section because I was out of concealer. Naturally, Walmart didn't have my Almay brand. Fact: Walmart has everything, except what you really need. Anyway, since I had to find a substitute concealer, I was perusing the shelves and also noticed a mother and her obviously insecure 14 year old high school freshman daughter (I assume this because of A) her need to buy NYC brand eye liner and B) her attempt to try to look as cool as possible while shopping with her mom in the makeup section of Walmart) arguing over the right color eye liner.
              Anyway, as I'm looking through the makeup, the mom approaches me and says "Hey, let me ask you a question." (I knew at this point that this would not turn out well for me or for the daughter). She proceeds to ask me for my opinion on whether her daughter, based on her facial features, skin tone, and hair color, should be wearing "Dark Brown" or "Brown-Black" eye liner. For the record, as far as NYC eye liner is concerned, there's not a HUGE difference between the two. As this mother is talking to me, I look over to the poor girl and her body language is saying "Mom! Shut up!" as she tries as hard as she can to become invisible. She had put her hoodie up, her shoulders were slouched, she was standing slightly bow legged, and she had pursed her lips (kinda like what I do when I'm watching someone do something embarrassing). I felt bad for her, really. Not only is her mom (which, to the 14 year old girl, doesn't know a thing) asking strangers about makeup choices for her, but she is also asking this stranger to take a look at her face, analyze it, and give her mother her opinion. I mean, come on mom! Now, I'm a logical person, and I understand the mom's side. As an adult woman, you naturally want your friends and even the occasional same-sex stranger to tell you what looks good on you. This is perfectly acceptable. But to this girl? This is the worst thing in the world!
            A message to mothers of young teenage daughters. Don't ask a stranger for makeup advice for your daughter while she's standing there. Most girls that age are trying as hard as they can to blend in and "be cool" and this makes them completely vulnerable. There will come a time when you and your daughter are looking at makeup in Sephora and you both strike up a conversation with the lady next to you about your argument over which shade of nectar lip gloss looks best on your daughter; and your daughter will be ok with it. And probably join in on the conversation. But just not yet....
           In the end, I attempted to make the girl feel as comfortable as possible by referencing how gorgeous her eyes were and that she could wear whatever makeup she wanted and still look beautiful. I also gave her a look that not all mothers catch that said, "Don't worry, I understand how embarrassing this is." I got a slight smile from her as her mother thanked me and they walked away.




And for the record, I had to go to Target for my concealer...

What am I doing?

God, what am I doing? Probably something I've uttered more times this year than I ever have before. But really, what am I doing? It's like I want to say to myself, "Alright God, I've tried bargaining with you. I read Your Word more and do the christian thing better, and You tell me where I am right now and what I'm doing with my life. Right Now." I can just imagine God up there chuckling, because you know that His children make him laugh. But not in a condecending way, but in a "I love you and know what's best for you" way. And when I get to that point, like tonight, He whispers that to me. He tells me to trust Him.  To trust in His word that tells me that He has a hope and a future for me and He will never leave me. Never leave me alone.

But God, do you know the kind of pressure I"m under? Do you understand that my dad is so frustrated with me? Heh, as if He didn't know. He had the ultimate pressure put on His shoulders as He carried that cross up the hill. Knowing. Knowing full well what was coming, and yet He did. Because He loves me, and He knows what's best for me.

Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days,
Jesus I’ll patiently wait

Wedding Bliss

I just have to share some recent wedding stuff that I love. I'm in love with this BEAUTIFUL Monique Lhullier gown. It's got the lace, and the full skirt and the dropped waist. It's really odd that I would like this because in general, I really hate pick-ups in a skirt. You know, where it makes it look like a down comforter? But depending on the fabric and how it's placed, it can look perfect.

You also have to check out this divine wedding that was shot by Jessica Claire. It's perfect. Literally, I love just about everything. Her dress, another Monique Lhullier gown, was divine and the reception space? Those black and white chairs at the Biltmore just screamed elegance to me. Aside from the cabbage? bouquets that the girls carried, I love this wedding. Jessica Claire is also fantastic so I think she just documented the wedding perfectly, with so many moments that just made me ::sigh::

Holly and Joe's Wedding

Nepotism in the workplace: Job hunting in 2010

Do you know how incredible awkward it is to make cold calls? "Blah Blah Blah company, this is Sue, how many I help you?" "Hello, my name is _____ and I'm calling to find out about any job openings within your company." "Sorry, we're not hiring." "So....there's no chance at all?" ".....Do you have a relative within the company?" "Uh, no, but I once..." "Then no...sorry."

My parents are beginning to wonder why I don't have a job yet. My dad can't seem to understand why I don't just take another part time job until I find the job I want. And I can't understand why he would want me to take a job that I don't plan on having long term, have them train me, and then leave. That makes less sense to me...

The wedding industry in incredibly nepotistic. You only get hired if you "know a guy." Like the mafia. 

Would it be incredibly arrogant to start my own business? People keep suggesting it and while the thought keeps running through my mind more and more, I can't shake this feeling that starting my own business with just a little bit of experience and absolutely zero business sense seems forward and arrogant. Is my perception wrong?

Food. Fun: A week of pictures

i adore him

farmhouse soup ingredients

rice krispie treat:: i forgot the butter

all things good

::sigh::

burnt orzo

::love::

mushrooms

stellar lighting in my house

my kitchen when i'm done with it

most massive woman wins

limo ride

greek yogurt with berries ::love::

kisses

love these girls

worship

six78

thanks for looking :)

50 questions about me

I occasionally enjoy doing these things :)

1. Do you like blue cheese? Will I get it on a salad? No. Will I eat it with chicken wings? Yes

2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No, that's pretty gross

3.Do you own a gun? Yes – several

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I'm a straight up Strawberry Limeade girl

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Yes. I hate the doctors

6. Do you like hot-dogs? Only if they have lots of stuff on them :)

7. Favorite Christmas Song? Oh gosh, I don't think I have a favorite. Definitely "have yourself a merry little christmas" and "the christmas song"

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Nothing in particular. Just water

9. Can you do push-ups? I can do girl push ups. Classic push ups....not so much

10. What’s your favorite meal? Pretty much anything my mom cooks. I'm not picky. Soul food is real good

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My grandma's ring and my purity ring

12. Favorite hobby? Photography and cooking

13. Do you work with people who idolize you? That would be a no.

14. Name a trait that you hate about yourself? Why focus on the negative?

15. Middle name? Lynne

16. Name 3 thoughts at this moment: Wow, my room has stayed clean for a week. "Fix You" is an amazing song. I hope I can sell all my books.

17. Name 3 things you bought yesterday: I didn't spend any money yesterday. No wait, I bought a bottle of water

18. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Water, milk, tea

19. Current worry right now? Hoping for a full time job

20. Current hate right now? lotion. it drives me nuts but is necessary if i don't want to dry out my skin.

21. Favorite place to be? On a horse ranch at sunset

22. How did you bring in New Years? With friends at an 80's party

23. Favorite place to go? anywhere where there's horses

24. What is your most recurring dream? meeting a certain friend at the supermarket.

25. Introvert or extrovert? I'm an introvert with certain extrovert qualities

26. What color shirt are you wearing? Green

27. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I've never slept on satin sheets

28. Can you whistle? No :(

29. Favorite color(s)? I hate this question. I don't have one or many. I like pretty much everything

30. Would you be a pirate? I'd rather be a ninja but yes, i would

31. What songs do you sing in the shower? I sing along with whatever is on my ipod at the moment

32. Favorite girl’s name? April

33. Favorite boy’s name? Andrew

34. Who is your loudest friend? Amber Rabolli :) love you!

35. What’s in your pocket right now? 3 bobby pins and $1.50 in quarters

36. Last thing that made you laugh? The story about the homeless man that peed on Pastor Billy's front seat

37. Bed sheets as a child? blue checkers

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I tore a ligament in my ankle last year. That hurt pretty bad

39. Do you love where you live? No. I want to live in the mountains

40. How many TV’s are in your house? 2

41. What is your worst habit? i forget to do things a lot (personal things, not work things)

42. How many dogs do you have? 1 dog, 1 cat

43. Does someone have a crush on you? I don't think so

44. Do you own slippers? I do. Do I wear them? No

45. What is your favorite book? Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

46. What is your favorite candy? sour gummy worms

47. What is your favorite sports team? I don't have one

8. What song do you want played at your funeral? Something coldplay

49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Reading

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? What time is it? and Crap, do I have to work today? No? Awesome

Recent Google Searches

a list of all my most recent google searches. one for every letter in the alphabet:

• adobe lightroon
• Buick replacement car key
• quinoa
• xbox live
• substitute for fontina cheese
• rachel ashwell
• learn photoshop
• pastafarianism
• modern vintage wedding dress
• yogurtland
• charistmatic christians
• dalit freedom network
• fine cooking magazine
• Once
• greyson chance
• i feel like i just ate a hot pocket
• eli roth
• wedding planner jobs
• how to unzip a file in mac
• korean mafia
• using iphoto with facebook
• vintage wedding
• Nikon 35mm /f 1.8
• jesus culture
• the swell season
• zen circle

Awkward Moments

Things that are awkward in life:

• When you're walking past a tennis court and the ball lands right at your feet and you have to throw it over the fence so that people playing can use it again. I'm always afraid I'm gunna suck at throwing and not make it over the fence. The same goes for having to throw back a frisbee when it's landed at your feet
• Trying to take someone's photograph when they clearly don't know what to do in front of a camera
• Photo shoots in general
• When you accidently walk in on someone going to the bathroom
• When you walk into a dressing room expecting it to be empty because the door was open
• Men in the bra section of a department store
• The next time you see someone after they've gotten married
• The last time you see that same person before they drive away after the reception
• The moment after a first kiss
• ::stolen from Ashley Sellers:: That time in a movie theater right after the movie ends. 
• Getting underwear from your parents at Christmas
• Meeting new people
• The first day of classes in college
• Running on the beach
• Bathing suits
• Hearing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" when you're shopping with your mom, dad, or boyfriend
• Figuring out what to get your new boyfriend for either his birthday or Christmas
• Skype
• The shuffle option on iPod's at a party when you forgot that you downloaded that Miley Cyrus song as a gag for your friend
• Seeing someone who's your friend on facebook whom you've never actually spoken to in person. Do you say hi, my name is _____ or do you treat it like you guys have already been friends?
• Not being introduced to someone in a group and then you see them next week at the mall and you wonder whether you should acknowledge their existence or just get out your phone
• Those good looking hispanic men who try to sell you perfume or touch your hands at the mall kiosks
• Being shown around a house
• Not knowing how to shut off your own car alarm
• Trying to get to your car in public when it's raining and you don't have an umbrella. Do you run or do you play it cool like, it's ok that I'm getting wet, cuz I don't care about those things!
• That first 30 minutes of a road trip with people you don't know that well
• When you're a natural hugger and you meet someone and by the end of the night, you don't know whether to hug that person goodbye or not because you don't want to seem like a creep
• First Dates

And this is all I can think of for now. Feel free to comment with more of your own awkward moments.

God. Life. Weddings

Oswald Chambers.....you kick my butt when I need it. Seriously. Today's reading...so good. It was about joy. God's joy. Some notable quotes, ones that make you stop feeling sorry for yourself and get you to start living for Him.  

"The first thing that will hinder this joy is the captious irritation of thinking out circumstances. The cares of this world, said Jesus, will choke God's word." "Stop being self-conscious, stop being a sanctified prig, and live the life hid with Christ. The life that is rightly related to God is as natural as breathing wherever it goes."

Oh Oswald...thank you for reminding me of how much I need Jesus.

In other news, I went running again tonight. It was ridiculous. My legs hurt so much. But....I did run longer than last night without stopping, so that's progress.

In wedding news, I have something pretty to share with you all. Flowers go straight to my heart. Really. I don't ever want to arrange them into these delectable designs, but I do enjoy looking at them and wouldn't mind receiving some :)

This bouqet is gorge...

A

Aaaaannnndd.....blue glass is divine 

Oh, and this skirt. I'm pretty sure this bride is totally rockin it. The confidence that women have when they know they're man loves them is precious...

Being eclectic, being me

I'm an eclectic person. I don't like consistency because consistency is boring to me. Sean Dougherty told me my iTunes library was awesome. When I asked him why, he said because it's so different; that there is such a variety of music. I guess that's true. And as I thought about it further, I realized that nothing about me is black or white. While this makes decision making considerably more difficult, I think it provides for more of an opportunity to see things from a different light. I mean, if someone were to put my ipod on shuffle and leave it alone for a while, one would hear many different things. You could go from Michael Jackson, to Norah Jones, to Green Day in a span of 10 minutes. It's always different; like me.

You know those personality tests you always took when you were in middle school? The ones that you would put on your livejournal (yea, that's right, I had a livejournal). It seems like every one of those tests always had something like "Are you a happy person?" or "What's your favorite color?" I could never answer those questions truthfully because things always changed. I dunno, I'm a generally happy person, but there are those days. And as for the favorite color question, well that's just dumb because there are so many wonderful colors out there, how can you pick just one? That's how I look at life. How can I be in a career that does the same things every day when there are so many wonderful opportunities where you can learn something new from people you've never met before? This is why I'm not cut out for retail. God bless those who are in retail full time, because they have a special calling on their life. To me, retail is the same thing every day, and if I had to do the same thing every day for the rest of my life, I probably wouldn't have a soul in all honesty. It's one of the reasons I've picked wedding planning. Aside from it being wonderful, it's also never the same. No two weddings are the same, no two people, no two mother's of the brides. Every one is different and every one has the ability to teach you something if you're just willing to watch for it. Each day, God has something different to teach me; but if I close my ears to what He has to say, and just keep doing my thing, then how can I know Him? "Be still and know that I am God." One of my favorite verses. Be still and listen, watch, hear. Listen for the chance to learn something new; use every opportunity you have to hear others, hear their stories, and learn from them.

Worship Team

I wrote this Sunday evening. It's taken me this long to try and get pictures uploaded to it...

I'm sitting in my bed at the end of a sunday, and still I feel the same way towards them as I have for the past 3 years. Sundays are the longest day of the week. When I'm about to go to bed, it seems odd to think that hours ago I was at church. Every week, same thought. My knee hurts a lot, not really sure why. Not too long ago, it was hurtin real bad randomly and i'm not sure I've ever fully recovered. Good day today, good day. I got an email from Kacey, asking me to take some worship team pictures. This seemed odd to me, seeing as Kacey is an amazing photographer, but none the less, I absolutely said yes because it's always a good thing to take pictures of good looking people (especially when they're playing instruments). I find out later from her that these pictures are needed by Pastor Clay. Apparently he wanted some new pictures to decorate the office with. Great....no pressure at all....needless to say, I almost wish that Kacey was the one taking all the pictures, so that I won't feel like a dummy if he doesn't like them. Sorry Kace. :/ Here are a few that I like.

Flirting?

What is this social activity called flirting? It's been so stinkin long since I have partaken in such a gesture, that I'm not even sure what to do anymore. I used to flirt in high school. Apparently I thought it was harmless. That was before I knew what it really did to a man. Oh how naive I was when I was in high school. I didn't care what was going on in the guy's mind; all I cared about was that it was fun, harmless, no big deal.
Well, I'm not in high school anymore. I'm not even in college anymore (by the way, that still freaks me out). But now that I'm at the age where it is OK to flirt a little bit or show my interest to a guy, I don't even know what to do. *sigh Been so long since I've been interested in someone, it's just bleh....
Be content.....Be content.....Be content....

Observational talk

• I love watching people save face. Fancy term I learned in sociology. Like when you're walking down the road, or more importantly, when you're walking down the breezeway of FAU and you realize that you're walking in the complete opposite direction of where you need to go. No one really stops and completely turns around and starts walking. No, we have to check our watch, maybe some piece of paper we have in our hand, or perhaps fake a phone call, just so that the people around us that are watching know that we aren't crazy and don't just stop walking and turn around for no reason. Try it some time....it's awkward. 
• I hate having the remote in a room full of people watching tv. It's that pressure of, how do I please everyone? I think that's when the channel goes to discovery channel or TLC. Because there you can find entertainment that is neutral. A good episode of dirty jobs is a place to start. I don't want to put on a show that I love, but then have that pressure of wondering if others like it too, and will they understand why this show is so awesome?
• Learning cursive is completely pointless. Also Algebra 2
• I have a hard time figuring out the line between "I'm bored" and "I'm hungry"
• How many times is it appropriate to say "what?" before you just not and smile when you can't hear what someone is saying?
• Jeans never get dirty, you can wear them forever
• I hate the heart dropping feeling of thinking you're gunna die after you tip your chair back a little too far
• When a tag for something says "Do not machine wash", that usually means I won't ever wash it
• How did we ever figure out to blow in the Nintendo cartridges as a kid? word of mouth? It's not like there was readily available internet where we could "google" it. I don't know about you, but when I had the 15 minutes of internet time in which no phone call could be received to the house because the internet was hooked up, you better believe I wasn't looking up "ways to make my video game work."
• There's usually a point in your work day when you establish whether or not you're going to be productive that day. 
• One of the things I hate is knowing that the next day, I have off work but my parents don't, only to wake up that morning to my dad out in the living room playing with his airplanes...
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

Camp-6th year

We just got back from middle school camp. This was my 6th year doing it. It's a little ridiculous. In some ways it was one of the more frustrating ones but overall, it really was one of the best years. God was completely in control, and this made everything go so much better. "my strength is made perfect in weakness" was my theme, and apparently was the theme of the worship team. There were so many times when I was weak and really not sure of what to do or how to get it done and God showed up. I feel like the reins were let go so much and we were really able to see the splendor of Jesus.

The enemy did try and attack, through not only the students but also in relationships between leaders. I realized just how much satan uses my insecurities to try and eliminate the joy I get from what I do. I feel like so much of the time, I was rebuking the enemy, refusing to let him have a foothold in camp. When I screw up with something, I let satan move in and influence my thoughts. I think it has something to do with one of my strengths being responsibility. When I have a responsibility, I do everything I can to make it run smoothly. However, I am human, and mess things up quite a bit, and when I do, I feel guilty, and have to make sure I fix the situation. I have a hard time taking compliments but I can take critiques all too easily.
To everyone to went to camp and helped, I am so thankful. You guys really were the best and are the ones who deserve the credit. Thank you, thank you, thank you. If I opened my mouth without realizing what was coming out of it, I'm sorry. I hope I encouraged more though.

If you read this Bobby, I am so proud of you. You had the leadership needed to take the worship team to that level of excellence and I can't help but smile when I see you lead worship.

I don't know what else to say except for thank you and that I had some of best fun I've had in years! Life is a highway, Faithfully, being "Boss", and traps will all stick in my mind forever. Love you all :)

Random Things

Because every so often I like to post random thoughts and observations I've had:

• I find pleasure in the little things. Like walking in the rain or watching fireworks. 
• I make legit french toast
• I get so happy late at night when my cat starts going crazy and meows like he doesnt care who's sleeping in the house
• I get the most excited when I have the ability to show someone that I capable of handling a task that they have given me. And with that, comes an immense amount of fear that I will let that person down
• I literally don't know what I'm doing half the time, it's all God
• One big thing I've learned this month? Love goes a long way, and so does a smile
• One of my absolute favorite things in the world is to take a day off, put on a headband, don a messy bun, and do nothing all day..
• Since I've been taking care of my dog in his old age, my dad suggested we open a dog nursing home. Not the worst idea he's ever had...
• I think ballet is one of the most beautiful things to watch. It requires more strength than I can even imagine and yet they pull it off with such grace. Bueno ballet dancers, you have my respect. 
• Have I ever mentioned how much I love weddings? Looking at the groom's face as the bride walks down the aisle? How special a guy must feel when he gives a certain ring to THAT girl and knowing that as long as she wears it, she's his. Women are such treasures, and it must be a great feeling to know that one of them loves you so much, she's willing to love you forever. 
• There is a special place in my heart for flowers. A bouquet of peonies can do that to a girl
• Playing video games stresses me out. It also makes me feel like a little kid, and I think that sometimes, that is perfectly ok.
• I love it when it rains and I don't have to be anywhere.
• In fact, I love having the feeling of not having to be anywhere and not having to work on anything. It's freeing. 
• I always ask myself why I can't have the same kind of joy I have at work, at home. Why do my parents always get the worst of me? Maybe because I know they'll love me unconditionally.
• My dad finally asked my mom out on a date. Something I've been wanting him to do for a while.
• I have a happy dance every time I'm eating something good.
  

A Tale of Three Kings...

I'm reading a tale of three kings. It's a book on brokenness. It's fantastic. Here is something that just hit me like a ton of bricks, and humbles me even more:

At this time, David is deciding whether he wants to become a Saul and try and defeat Absalom who may be trying to take over his throne, or to possibly let his kingdom fall at the hands of this new young ruler.
"I did not lift a finger to be made king. Nor shall I do so to preserve the kingdom. Even the kingdom of God! God put me here. It is not my responsibility to take, or keep, authority. Do you not realize, it may be his will for these things to take place? If he chooses, God can protect and keep the kingdom even now. After all, it is his kingdom.....In either case, I shall raise no hand! Wouldn't I look a little strange trying to stay in control if God desires tat I fall?" "But you know that Absalom should not be king!", replied Abishai in frustration. "Do I? No man knows. Only God knows, and he has not spoken. I did not fight to be king, and I will not fight to remain king. May God come tonight and take the throne, the kingship, and..." David's voice faltered. "And his anointing from me. I seek his will,  not his power. I repeat, I desire his will more than I desire a position of leadership. He may be through with me."

Thank you David for reminding me that having a position of leadership is an anointing from God and He doesn't really need me. Relinquishing control over that leadership is the best course of action because ultimately it is His, whether I am involved in it or not.

Abide in Me?

Every year that I go to camp, God is like "Hey! Here's what you did good, and here's where I can grow you" and I'm like ::sigh:: yea....I know....help me...

and He always does, which is why I love Him so much...doesn't matter how much I fall, He always catches me

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing."

Abide in me? Abide in me. Abide in ME...Abide in God so that God can abide in me. How can I abide in God if so much of me is not righteous. God calls us to be holy as He is holy. This seems hard. Like....real hard. How can I be holy as God is holy? Well, it's nothing I can do, it's what God can do. This whole change thing...it can really hurt sometimes, to be honest.


Hey God, help me abide in you so you can abide in me. I'm a mess, but you're in the business of mending and fixing. Make your word evident in my life...


On a side note, my mom made her AMAZING oatmeal raisin cookies. I'm in baked good heaven..and I've broken out the "I'm eating something good" dance

Tired

I'm telling you....working at Calvary can be the most exhausting thing! Especially around camp time. You're dealing with stressed Garfields and Christinas and completely insane parents. It's like when camp time comes around, parents take on this whole new persona that you never see and they are suddenly crazy! Not all.....but you do meet your quackers. It's so weird to be in the same place 3 years later. I'm enjoying it though. Things are different, and it's nice.
I can't believe that this is my 6th middle school summer camp. And yet each year, God gives me new ideas. It's crazy. I enjoy it so much though....I think that's why I've kept doing it year after year.
I really enjoy being creative with camp and interacting with different personalities in the office. Garfield calls our office the estrogen office because me, Sam Sweeting, Christina, and sometimes Julianna are all in the same office. It's quite hilarious. Anyway....this year should be fun. Some good changes. Mad props to Ashley for getting things started and helping me out. You're amazing!!

2010

This whole growing up thing is way too weird. The high school class of 2010 just graduated. How can it be that 4 years ago I walked across that same stage? When I was going into 9th grade, they were going into 5th grade. And now? Now they're graduated, going off to college, and entering into the era of their lives that I just finished. It's surreal. There are those who are several years younger than me who are in serious relationships and are either engaged or close to it, and yet I am perpetually single. Not that I'm complaining. It's just so weird to be sitting in the same spot since forever and watch so many others go through things that I haven't experienced. That's not saying a whole lot since there's a lot I haven't experienced. Like a relationship.

I don't really know what I would do with a relationship. Honestly. The thought scares me. Well....frankly, the thought of having someone know me that well scares me more than anything. Guard your heart. Guard your heart. Well....I've done a good job of that! It's guarded! Barbed wire and everything! Love is crazy. Seriously. What am I ever going to do with it? Right now? Give it to the Lord. He has my heart and my love, and He knows what to do with it :)

Spiders....

THERE ARE SPIDERS IN MY CAR....

I don't know how they got in there....but they're there. It's ridiculous. I'm driving and they start crawling out of the dashboard.....it's terrible. The other night, in the middle of the parking lot of a movie theater, I started freaking out because one jumped on me. IT JUMPED ON ME. I saw my life flash before my eyes....no joke.

This is my "There are spiders in my car" face.....I don't know how to get them out... :(

What do you mean "love others"?

“These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:11-12

Why is this commandment one of the hardest to keep? Love others as I have loved you? Sure God! I can love other people! I can love my friends, those I work with, those I like.......oh wait, you mean love everyone? You mean even love the people I don't like and don't get along with? Crap....

Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to love others, even when I get nothing in return. When I am spent, you fill me up. The grace you give me is astounding...

Meet Charlie...

So, in case you havent seen it all over facebook, Charlie is here. Charlie is my new macbook pro and he is very pretty.

 so naturally.....I am very excited...

Anyway, I've been spending the time that I am at home messing with it and trying to customize it. Needless to say, there is going to be a time of adjusting.  Having a mac makes me want to be creative, even though I don't really have the programs for that. And it's going to be a while before that happens. I have found one thing about macs that I don't like. In this arduous process of transferring files over to this computer, I'm having to use my 8gb jump drive because I can't format my hard drive to this mac. Anyway, I have found out that even though I delete something off my flash drive, it's not until I empty the recycle bin that the space on the drive is freed up. It kept saying that it was full even though there was nothing on it! With PC's, if you delete something off of it, while it still resides in the recycle bin, the space is freed up on the jump drive. Not with macs though. It's a little annoying but no biggy.

In other wedding news, I've decided to add a little gem to most of my posts. At least I'll have some sort of representation of the kind of style I have when it comes to weddings. Who knows what the Lord has in store for me when it comes to wedding planning. But it's an exciting time to trust completely in Him. So on that note, I am in love with the anemone. It kind of has a buttercup look and comes in many vibrant colors. Usually the center of the flower is in a contrasting color, which is my favorite part. My favorite however, are the white ones, which is odd because I'm not generally drawn to white flowers. Anyway, here is the flower by itself.

This bouquet: stunning. Shot by the amazing Jessica Claire

And of course, this bouquet is wedding gold.

It's different than others you would see. Still has a sweet, vintage feel but has some vibrant colors that make it gorgeous. And of course the anemone. The flowers are by Flowerwild Designs. I came upon their blog not too long ago and I love their work. So gorgeous.

Anyway, that's what I got so far!

A few of my favorite things

I could literally spend hours looking at weddings. They get me so excited, you have no idea! And with that, comes this realization that being just graduated from college, I am a small fish in a big pond called the wedding industry. There are literally THOUSANDS of options out there, it's a little ridiculous. I'm a little in love with weddings.

Speaking of love, I have fallen in love with this photographer. I think he's fantastic. So vintage looking, its awesome.

On another note, can we please pause and appreciate how amazing this looks? Like you could just eat it right then and there. I might have to be adventurous and make this one...you can find the recipe here :)

Also, my flower pick of the week has to be this one. I'm in LOVE with fluffy flowers. Give me a bouquet full of ranunculuses and peonies and I'm in heaven. So....naturally. This is my pick of the week.

Discernment

You ever had this deep feeling about something but you weren't really sure what it was but knew it was from the Lord? Yea, me too. Although I've heard Christian authors say things about trusting "feelings" and how that is not an accurate way of telling what the Lord wants you to do, I'm not sure that's entirely true. I don't know. All I do know is that I have a spirit of discernment about things, and when the Lord is trying to tell me something, He sure as heck uses my feelings as a way of doing it. Now....as to what to do with those feelings, well that's an entirely different thing all together...

Selfish thinking

I am WAY too selfish. Here I am, graduating college with no debt and with the love of my parents who will continue to support me, even if they don't always understand my methods. And what can I think of? Me. It's always on my mind. Why didn't she text me back? Why can't they understand how I feel? Why can't I have discipline? Why don't they think of me when they go out? It's ridiculous, seriously.

Can't contentment in everything that Jesus Christ has done for me be enough? When am I going to find rest in His arms and know that every time I'm thinking about myself, Jesus is wishing that I was thinking about Him? I mean, He died for me! Hung on a cross, bled, suffered, and died for me; loves me despite everything I do to push Him away; is always waiting for me. And why can't I give Him my time? My everything? Because I am so selfish!


You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love 

The job market: Nepotism in action

I'm graduating soon and suddenly, what I want to do is not acceptable. I can't accept part time jobs, because now that I'm in the "big leagues," as my father puts it, I can accept nothing less than a full time, 9-5 job. Clearly, its been a while since he's been in the job market.
Becoming a wedding planner isn't as easy as landing a full time assistant job until you gain enough experience and clientele that you can start your own business. Though I'm no expert, I'm pretty sure that the wedding planning industry is entirely based on nepotism. There's this guy who has a friend who has a brother who can make a call...If you are even able to get a job, you have to bust your butt and learn everything you can before you can get a chance to be successful. I am perfectly happy doing work for free until I get enough experience to get a job...too bad life requires you to have money...

A week in the life of...

Alright, so not much has been goin on lately. I'm still waiting to hear back from Student Life. I got an email on Wednesday telling me that they would be sending me an email.....thanks for that...they said it could be as late as March 15....which is another week...
God is using this time to make me trust Him. Waiting is so hard, and even though this would be a really awesome opportunity, it's not where I want to be if God doesn't want me to be there. Still makes the waiting difficult because I just want to know!

In other news, I painted my nails tonight. The toes are a coral/red and fingernails are some sort of pink, called Pink Obsession. I'm not usually one to paint my nails, but to ofset the stress of my seemingly impossible midterm, I decided to do something for me. By the way, I got these new sleep pants at target that are AMAZING! So comfortable

Also, two weeks ago I spent a week at Briana's house while her parents were away. Needless to say, it was much appreciated. Thanks Briana :) So yea, me, Briana, and Ashley were roomates in a really big house for a week, it was a lot of fun. Friday we had a dinner/ impromptu dance/movie night with some of the friends. Kudos to Victor and Mike Nathan for makin dinner, Ashley for making those ridiculous (and by ridiculous, I mean fantastic) artichoke things, and Nick for finishing it off with the ice cream sandwiches. It was lots of fun and we pretty much just danced while we cooked and ate. That's probably one of my favorite things to do... Also, we watched Law Abiding Citizen...it was legit. Also, Kym talks in movies...FYI. Overall, lots of fellowship and good food.

Kym knows what to do with good music

Also, Briana tatted it up that week. She got a sick lookin tattoo on her wrist that said LOVE with a fish by it to. She's hardcore now :)

Peep ma tat!

I wanted to throw one more in there for good measure. I'm pretty sure that this accurately describes their relationship.

One more thing, God's been rockin my world, teaching me how much He loves me. Ephesians 1: 14 says that we were purchased by God through His blood so that we can be redeemed by Him when He comes. I've been learning an intimacy with Him, with His Spirit. God has been teaching me to get to know the Spirit, because the if I want to know God, then I need to know the Spirit, like in 1 corinthians 2:11. It's been radical just resting in the promise that God knows me. He knows everything about me. I'm such a safe person, making sure that no one gets in unless I say so. But with God, there are no walls, there are no barriers. It's just me and Him. He knows me and my imperfections and failures, and I am learning who He really is. It's so simple! It's been in front of my face my whole life but until I learned to trust Him, I could never know Him.