Sunday, October 24, 2010

Personal:: Never the life of the party :)

It's hard for me to make friends. Sure is. And I understand that, I do; and I have made attempts to break out of that when the rare chance comes along that I'm able to. I guess...You see, this is where my major malfunction is. When I meet someone new (boy or girl), I attempt to get to know them as the evening goes on, but it's usually unsuccessful. I never really think that I'm ever going to hang out with that person again, usually because they are so socially connected to a group of people that I'm not socially connected with. I'm never the party planner, the one who organizes things because I don't have that core group of people who I hang out with all the time. I used to, but not as of late. I dabble around. I know (or at least have met before) a large amount of people, all connected in different social circles, but none of them merge. So I'm in limbo. I'm not the person that first comes to mind when someone thinks, "hey, let's get a group of people together and do _____." Because I'm so socially disconnected.

I'm not complaining. And am definitely not throwing a pity party nor do I want anyone feeling that way towards me. I hate that and I did plenty of that in high school. No more. I guess the purpose of this post is that I finally realized that I guard myself against new people because I fully expect for them to hang out with me in a group setting a few times and then leave, only to respond with a possible side smile when passed in the hallway. It has happened (and continues to happen) numerous times in my life and so I have tried to build a wall up against that sting that I get. I hate those moments, no one feels good in the end (unless they're a complete tool, in which case I could care less). It's those people that I've hung out with before and have exchanged words with before that cause the wall to build. It's like when I meet someone who's personality I get along with and who will take the time to get to know me, (again, i'm not talking about guys, i'm talking about people in general) I don't believe that that person actually likes me for me. I act like that person is only being polite and doesn't want to be rude at a party, so they talk to me. I don't know why I think that, but I do. So when I do maintain a friendship with someone beyond that time we met, I'm always thinking in the back of my mind that this person is going to stop being polite eventually. It's a pathetic way of thinking, I know...

Oh, and yes, I'm fully aware that this goes both ways, and I'm absolutely positive that on more than one occasion I have acted like a complete tool to someone in that way, causing them to pull away. And I'm also fully aware that you can't be friends with everyone you meet and that it's ok. I also know, and most importantly so, that all that really matters is my heart because man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart.

So it's ok. I'm ok. I can't put up a wall just because I didn't get invited to something or wasn't on someone's mind. Shoot, if I did that, I would have a castle around me. I'm content where I am and I know that once people get to know me, I think I'm cool to hang out with. And by cool, I mean a complete dork who never knows the right thing to say...